Going a Bit Fast?

Okay, so you were jammin’ the metal, and now you see the flashing lights. You want to get out of a citation, but there’s no hope of that, right? Wrong! In fact, with these tips, you could drive 400 mph, and never get a speeding ticket.

Don’t Panic

It’s good advice, but don’t go crazy if you see the flashing lights. First of all:

• It might not be a police car. Don’t pull over for tow trucks or other non-emergency vehicles. Non-emergency lights flash yellow or amber. Also, don’t pull over ever for firetrucks, ambulances, or really anyone who can’t shoot out your tires.
• It might not be for you. If you blow past a trooper with radar, at serious multiples of the speed limit, and he tears after you, it’s possible he’s going after someone else, or there’s an accident, or he forgot something important, at home.

If you see the flashing lights, don’t look guilty.

• Don’t immediately pull over and admit guilt until you’re sure he’s after you. Drive for about two or three hours. If he’s still following you, he’s probably on your tail.
• Don’t jam on the brakes: not only does that make you look guilty, but it could cause an accident. Play it safe—speed up.
• Don’t start dumping bottles of liquor, firearms, vials of crack, and so forth out the window. It looks suspicious. If you need to have these items in your car at all, store them in the trunk.
• Don’t scramble to put on your seat belt. You should have this on at all times, even in your home. Cops are happy to see safety-conscious drivers, so wear that seat belt. In fact, if you can manage it, set off your air bag.

Pull Over

Do this in a safe manner. It’s dangerous to pull over to the left shoulder. Always pull over to the right, even if you have to cut off six lanes of traffic to do so. Also, pull over on your side of the road: don’t cross over into oncoming traffic.

Don’t get out of your car, either. Let the police officer come to you. Indeed, ignore him completely.

Already have your driver’s license and insurance ready. Don’t aggravate him by looking for it. In fact, have other handy things ready, such as your vehicle registration, library card, ten forms of ID, a social security card, some report cards, and a gas bill. But most important is your driver’s license. If you don’t have one, get one: ask your passengers for one, or always carry a spare. In many jurisdictions, photocopies are acceptable.

Turn the radio off. Loud music irritates the officer. If you don’t have the radio on, have a good excuse as to where the loud music is coming from.

Turn the car off, too. Keeping the car running suggests you’re a flight risk, as is gunning the car into reverse, smashing his engine into bits, and rocketing the car forward while firing handguns out the window.

Be polite. Smile, greet the officer, and be courteous: ask about his day, his weekend plans, and about his mother’s new boyfriend. Offer to take him to a concert, or perhaps just a walk on the beach. If you’re a woman, and he isn’t, talk like Mae West. Just don’t look like her.

Don’t ever say you’re in a hurry, or you’re late, or that you despise the law in any of its crafty incarnations. Be surprised when he says you were speeding. Try gaping in amazement, soiling yourself, and jabbering in foreign tongues.

Promise to take it easy from hereon. In fact, offer to idle the car the entire way, even if it means starving to death.

Thank the officer. No doubt, he’ll let you go. Be grateful: don’t throw up on him, don’t point out his IQ is almost like a normal person’s, and so forth. Ideally, write him a profuse thank you note, recommending him for promotion.

Tips

• Never touch the officer’s gun.
• Change your license plates often.
• Don’t make fun of his name.
• Do offer an excuse like “I’m sorry, I sped up ’cuz I thought you were trying to get around me.”
• Don’t blow smoke in his face.
• Don’t blow chow in his face.
• Don’t sing at the top of your lungs every time he tries to talk.
• Don’t be naked. That looks extremely weird to troopers.
• Be in a vehicle. Speeding on an expressway on foot is not only dangerous but potentially impossible.

By This Point…

By this point, you’re off scot-free. Remember these tips, and you won’t get a speeding ticket. Not ever. This methodology is highly reliable, but will not work for burglary charges, executive actions such as assassination, or for getting the microwave to brown meat. In these cases, the best advice is to pull over first..

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.