Happy Halloween

Imagine walking up to a scary castle, inhabited by a nine-foot-tall robot from the future, who wants nothing more than to open your skull to install chunks of technology into your brain. And then, behind the robot, is a mad brute of a sociopath who would vivisect you with superhuman strength while laughing hysterically. On the floor above, an enraged psychotic madman with an axe, lashing out in sadistic rage against anyone who dares oppose him. And lurking in the basement is a cruel, evil genius dressed as an ancient Chinese warlord performing sinister experiments on interdimensional space intent on enslaving the human race as an army of zombies. And, in the inner sanctum of this horrific castle, is an impossibly ancient wizard who hovers ten feet into the air, hurling out fire and lightning from his hands, while he invents new hells for foolish mortals.

Yes, you would think Halloween is a special day at the Castle Gormogon. But as you see from the description above, we pretty much treat it as any other day.

A Car That Reflects The Driver?

Nice job, marketing department, letting this guy speak:

“Sports cars have to be red, but we wanted a new red. So we came up with shoujyouhi red, the traditional red color of a Japanese monkey’s ass.”

—Tetsuya Tada, chief engineer of the Toyota FT-86 concept car

Outstanding. Simply Outstanding.

If you love The Dark Knight movies, as the Mandarin does, you will love this video. Short, and eye-wateringly funny.

If you are not as kind to them, as the Czar is not, the video sort of explains why.

Dead-on perfect impression of Christian Bale, by the way.

Thank Goodness for the News

The Czar has been keeping an eye on things for a while. If he were an idiot, he might be inclined to think that:

 —The stimulus package has saved 650 trillion jobs, simply because the White House says so.

 —The recession has ended forty-four times since August, 2008.

 —The government can provide excellent health care services based on how well it has distributed flu vaccines to all fifty-six people in the United States.

 —We need to be careful about sending troops to Afghanistan, because we would not want to start a war there like we did with Iraq.

 —There are billions of Americans dying in the streets because it costs $9,000 a band-aid, and insurance companies will not cover them because they are not wealthy. A public option would allow unemployed people to get insurance for free.

 —Guantamo has been closed.

 —Nancy Pelosi, Bill Clinton, and Jimmy Carter work closely with Barack Obama and are part of the Democrats’s A-team.

 —Faux News makes up all these stories, because if President Obama ever screwed up, CNN, MSNBC, CBS, and ABC would be quick to report it.

 —President Obama is the most popular president the country has ever had.

Re: Liberal Bigotry

Item the First:

The Czar notes the following text: “Homosexuality refers to relations between men or between women who experience an exclusive or predominant sexual attraction toward persons of the same sex.”

Evidently, a threesome between ‘Puter and two women, or casual bisexuality is okay, though. Curious wording.

Item the Second:

Yes, ‘Puter, liberals believe you are silly and mockable for believing in an all-powerful spirit that is immortal, omnipotent, and omniscient.

Had you chosen to believe in crystal healing, chakra, astrology, druidism, witchcraft, satanism, tantric yoga, veganism, multiple gods, or spiritism, you would have been very welcome among liberals. For those are not silly.

Liberal Bigotry, WaPo style

In this editorial, the Washington Post's editorial board tars Republican candidate for Virginia Attorney General Kenneth Cuccinelli as a bigot.

The WaPo takes umbrage at Mr. Cuccinelli's assertion that homosexual acts are "intrinsically wrong" and represent "behavior that is not healthy to an individual and in aggregate is not healthy to society." Note well that Mr. Cuccinelli does not assert homosexuals themselves to be wrong, only homosexual acts.

Well, WaPo, two can play at this game. You know who else believes that homosexual acts are intrinsically wrong and not healthy to an individual or society? Approximately 1.1 billion Roman Catholics. Here's what the Vatican's website, citing the Catechism, has to say about homosexuality:

Chastity and homosexuality

2357 Homosexuality refers to relations between men or between women who experience an exclusive or predominant sexual attraction toward persons of the same sex. It has taken a great variety of forms through the centuries and in different cultures. Its psychological genesis remains largely unexplained. Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as acts of grave depravity,140 tradition has always declared that "homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered."141 They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances can they be approved.

2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God's will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord's Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.

2359 Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.

Mr. Cuccinelli's beliefs are entirely consistent with the teachings of the Roman Catholic Church, which counts Mr. Cuccinelli and approximately 67.5 million adherents in the United States and over 1 billion worldwide as members. And, as stated above, these beliefs expressly require Catholics to accept homosexuals with "respect, sensitivity and compassion." In the WaPo's selective quoting, Mr. Cuccinelli has not suggested otherwise. Mr. Cuccinelli has simply stated his acceptance of his Church's teachings on homosexuality.

Did the WaPo intend to call all Roman Catholics bigots, because that's the effect of its ignorant, biased editorial? Did WaPo realize it insulted the faith of two of its favorite liberals, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Vice President Joe Biden, Catholics the both (leaving aside for the moment their adherence to the faith)? 'Puter's certain Archbishop Donald Wuerl, prelate of the Archdiocese of Washington, D.C., would be happy to listen to the WaPo editorial board's better minds expound upon his and his Church's bigotry.

The WaPo editorial board are the only bigots in the room here. The board betrays its liberal reflexive distrust of and ignorance of organized religion. It is only too happy to insult 67.5 million American Catholics and their faith, because, you see, only rubes believe in that "spirit in the sky" crap. Religious beliefs are hokum and voodoo and can be disregarded because there's no way God exists. They just know it. Good liberals like those on the WaPo's editorial believe in the awesome power of Hope and Change, and the fierce urgency of now, without realizing the sheer emptiness of their belief system. It's humorous to watch their unknowing attempts to invest divinity into empty idols, like Global Warming and President Obama. 'Puter pities them.

The WaPo owes both Mr. Cuccinelli and the Roman Catholic Church an apology. 'Puter will wait for the WaPo's retraction, but expects to be waiting a long, long time.

Traffic, Jobs and the Stimulus Conundrum

The White House and democrats are poised to start crowing about the success of the American Reinvestment and Recovery Act of 2009 with data showing 650,000 jobs "created or saved".  This number represents about $150 billion of the $339 billion spent through September 30th.  It does not include individual grants (i.e. Pell grants) or grants of less than $25,000 per individual (which I believe to be flawed as several states are tracking individual jobs "created or saved" for items under the $25K mark for single job savings results).  Of course, the government has already been caught with errors in these reporting numbers and the term "created or saved" is a bit nebulous to begin with.  We've covered this before here at the Castle.  Note - remember the initial forecast of 3 to 4 million jobs saved?  The "new' target is 1 million.  With 150,000 jobs "created or saved" by the end of May, that means that an average of 125,000 unique jobs were "created or saved" each month through September.  During those same months (May through September), the national unemployment rate rose from 9.4% to 9.8% (and some reports have it hitting 10% in October).  I love math and numbers, but you can make numbers say just about anything you want them to provided people ignore the units of measure, the comparisons made or the basis for the derivation of the numbers.  This is exactly what I think is going on with the bogus measure of jobs "created or saved".  There is no way to accurately measure whether a job was created or saved due to the stimulus bill aside from the direct grants which the government is saying is NOT included in these counts.

Let me point at some local examples of the stimulus money in action.  Note, you can go here for links to research your own state.  On my 25-mile, 40 to 90+ minute commute to or from work, I've passed a number of road construction jobs with signage indicating that this project was funded by the stimulus program.  These are present in the three jurisdictions I pass through: Maryland, Virginia and the District of Columbia.  They have been as small as sidewalk repair or the addition of ramps to sidewalks at intersections to larger projects like road resurfacing.  However, with a few exceptions, I doubt that many of these projects would not have been undertaken regardless of the stimulus money.  Road and sidewalk maintenance is a constant budgetary item for states as reliable roads and sidewalks are required for good commerce and safe citizens.  One particular project just wrapped up and the resulting road is a patchwork of old and new resurfacing looking like a concrete quilt.  This road seems to be under construction for potholes, flooded drains or crumbling curbs every 6 months.  One would think that with all this stimulus funding, D.C. could now fix the road more permanently to avoid the costly project startup, repair and return that the road has experienced in the decades that I've been driving upon it.  In the end, much of the stimulus is a bailout of states - funding jobs that were originally targeted by state budgets.  On a side note, of the $16 billion reported by agencies of contract awarded stimulus funds, almost half were awarded in a non-competitive, non-fixed price manner.  This includes sole source jobs and jobs directed to a particular vendor.  These types of awards are perilous as the possibility of fraud and/or shady dealings are much easier within their terms.

Finally, as mentioned above, I live and work in a city with a top 3 commute time.  If local administrations want to really have an impact with the stimulus funding, then they would apply it to real traffic problems.  I'm not disputing my previous point that sidewalk and road repairs are necessary and for state and local road, these should be funded from state coffers.  However, the master plans for the DC metropolitan region in the late 1950s and early 1960s had 5 or 6 bridge crossings between the Key Bridge (near downtown DC) and Point of Rocks, MD (where U.S. Route 15 crosses the Potomac River).  Today we have two: the American Legion bridge (where I-495 crosses) and Chain Bridge (just inside the District line from the American Legion bridge).  While there is a lot of political hurdles and NIMBY-ism to overcome, the plans had additional crossings.  When we have a single accident on one of the major arteries in the area, traffic snarls large parts of the region.  Add to that inclement weather and a large population of non-locals many of whom aren't confident drivers in the rain and snow that we get here and it's a recipe for disaster.  Simply put, if you chart the number of road-miles (paved road surfaces) per capita, the DC metropolitan region is woefully lacking.  Urban demand for automobile transit is outpacing road growth by over 35% in the area. 

European In the Toilet

And just a few days ago the Czar was describing how wiggly ferret Tony Blair was most likely going to be named the President of Europe.

And greasy flounder Gordon Brown completely endorsed Blair as the best possible candidate!

Within days, support for Blair has crumbled; France, Germany, and likely other increasingly conservative countries have withdrawn support for Blair or have endorsed other candidates.

Is this a shot a Blair, at Brown, or at the Labour Party’s failed progressivism? Indeed, any of the three is a good sign that Europe may be opening her eyes to her foreshortened future.

Rimshot, Please

Two dozen House members are being investigated by the House Committee on Standards of Official Conduct. This is actually pretty normal: some will be proven guilty, some found innocent, and some guilty as all freaking hell. The details were written up in a private report.

And that report got leaked to the press, revealing the names and allegations. Outraged, Rep. Zoe Lofgren (D-CA) announced that the report had been—deep breath here—cyber-hacked!

Actually, it was simply and inadvertently posted by an ill-attentive member to a public file sharing website that opened it up to anyone who wanted to look at it. The Czar can prove it was accidental, as nearly all the names are Democratic representatives.

Interesting that procedures and sloppiness can lead to a breach of security like this.

If they really wanted to keep its contents a total secret, they should have put it into the healthcare bill.

Newsweek Losing Readership? That's So Whack!

Holly Bailey of Newsweek has just completed her seventh-grade Civics class, and is now experimenting with snark. Except the snark bites with his teeth, dear.

We quote in full, because, well, this sucks as writing. And we had such hope for the new Newsweek.

You’ve gotta hand it to Nancy Pelosi: She is queen of the photo op. Four days after Harry Reid unveiled his version of health-care reform in a windowless room deep inside the U.S. Capitol, Pelosi chose perhaps the most dramatic setting in Washington to make her own health-care pitch: the west front steps of the Capitol building. You’ve seen it on TV. It’s where presidents are sworn in—though this morning’s events looked and sounded a little more like a convention speech than an inauguration event. Case in point: Pelosi marched into the event to her own personal soundtrack, “Elevation” by U2. (She loves that Bono, remember?) Reid had, well, the sound of reporters typing away on their laptops. Throwaway details aside, there is one major optical difference between the Pelosi and Reid events: when the senator spoke, he did it alone. At Pelosi’s event, almost every member of the House Democratic caucus stood behind her. Who do you think has more sway on Capitol Hill?

The west front steps of the Capitol building. You’ve seen it on TV. Whoa! The Capitol building has been on TV? Wow, we have a TV. Perhaps the Czar has seen it! Perhaps the Czar has actually been there. Perhaps millions of Americans, who understand American government better than a trifold handout at a college quad gathering, have been there! And someone said you can take a tour?

This morning’s events looked and sounded a little more like a convention speech than an inauguration event. Err-mmm....because it was a speech and not an inauguration? What the foxtrot! Someone gives a speech on the Capitol steps, and all she can think of is a presidential inauguration? Perhaps Ms. Bailey is unaware that American history existed prior to January 20, 2009, and that maybe one or two other people have used the Capitol steps for important speeches? OMG! MLK wants 2B POTUS?!?!!

At Pelosi’s event, almost every member of the House Democratic caucus stood behind her. Who do you think has more sway on Capitol Hill? Let us see. The Speaker of the House versus a seriously-down-in-the-polls unpopular Senator... whom do we think has more influence? Yeah, Holly, that is a toughie. Perhaps for the average Newsweek reader it is. For those of us, ahem, who have left junior high, the smart money is that the Speaker of the House is a little more influential than a single senator about to be old yellered to a tree in the back.

Good luck with the new writing team, Newsweek! For those of us who want more correct information than Madame Speaker’s preferred U2 song (OMG! ♥U2!!), you are welcome to stay here at the Gormogons. Our readership is also slightly better than Newsweek’s, too. Ain’t that a pip?

Today is the Internet's Birthday

Well happy freaking birthday Internet.

Invented by a twenty-one-year-old Al Gore, the Internet turns 40 today. Of course, then, she was ARPANet, when the very first message was sent betwen UCLA to Stanford, in which it announced that Mars will be as big as the full moon and will not be this close to Earth again until twenty-thousand years in the future.

Like all 40-year-olds, she has seen better days, that’s for sure. Gussied up with the world wide web, she made “This iS my webpage I hope you LiKe it” a catch-phrase for millions. She transformed simple ideas like “freedom of thought” and “worldwide sharing” into “fr3dom/thot” and ”ww sh4rng.” Now, Finland believes that high-speed Internet connectivity is a god-given right. This explains why ancient peoples spent so much time on Hulu and Facebook.

Had it not been for the Internet, history would be different today: do you think we would even know about the Iranian protests? Do you think you would be paying a buck to listen to Lindsay Lohan singing? And how Voice over IP eliminated long distance charges to the point that when you call 911, they think you’re calling from San Juan, Puerto Rico?

Even the Gormogons, the most secret society in the world, has an easy-to-use website. Four of the Gormogons are themselves 40 years old. Which explains why the Internet also smells like hobo ass if she sits in one position for too long.

Also, this is very cool.

Why Is There Even a Debate

The federal government is huge and inefficient so why would anyone believe that a government-run health care option would do better than private industry?  Maybe I'm jumping the gun with the first part of that statement, so let me give some cases in point on government inefficiencies:

From Big Government's site:

1.  Medicaid paid for prescriptions written for 1,800 dead patients and 1,200 prescriptions “written” by dead physicians.
2. Medicare paid up to $92 million for medical services ordered by dead doctors, some of whom had been dead for more than 10 years.
3. Social Security Administration sent out $250 stimulus checks to 10,000 people who are deceased, some of which have been dead for several decades.
4. U.S. Department of Agriculture distributed $1.1 billion in federal farm aid to the estates or companies of deceased farmers.
5.  San Francisco receives federal funding for AIDS patients who died decades ago
6.  Dallas Housing Authority spent federal funds to subsidize housing for 45 deceased clients

FEMA just spent $5 Million trying to determine how it spent $29 Billion since 2002 and still doesn't have an answer.

Two of the programs listed above are government-run healthcare programs.  For those that think this debate is about healthcare and is driven by elected leaders who are trying to do what they think is best for the American people better start re-evaluating those beliefs.

Good Money After Bad

So rather than let GM crater in a richly deserved bankruptcy, the federal government (both Bush and Obama administrations) decided to bail out/buy out the Detroit automaker. Not content to bail out/buy out only one failed business model, the federal government also decided to prevent liquidation of Chrysler. In both cases, the feds ignored bankruptcy laws, screwed bondholders, and acquired substantial stock in the zombie automakers.

As part of GM's bankruptcy, GMAC (GM's funding arm) was spun off as a free-standing banking entity, subject to additional federal regulation. GMAC currently provides purchase loans to consumers for GM and Chrysler autos, as well as floor-plan funding for their dealers.

Cozy relationship, huh? The government owns majority stakes in both GM and Chrysler. No sane private entity would fund GM or Chrysler, so the feds use bailout money to force GMAC to finance the bowl-circling operations of GM and Chrysler, thereby further endangering taxpayer investments in all three entities. And who is paying for this? The approximately 50% of Americans who still pay any taxes whatsoever. And who benefits? Union members.

But wait, it gets worse (or better, if you're an overpaid, underworked UAW member with no marketable skills). The government recently took another look at GMAC, and didn't like GMAC's balance sheet. Not content to give GMAC two taxpayer-funded infusions totaling $12.5 billion (that's billion with a "b"), the feds are now looking to sink up to another $5.6 billion into the failed lending arm of failed automaker GM. How bad is GMAC? So bad that it was the only one of 20 stress-tested banks that required additional government bail out money.

So, in summary (1) GM, Chrysler and GMAC are all walking dead entities; (2) the government spent a buttload (ask Czar for the definition) of your money to buy into these innovation killing failed companies; (3) the government forced a formerly private banking entity to continue to fund these head-bangingly stupid companies; and (4) the government continues to throw money at these zombies like Pacman Jones making it rain at a Vegas strip club.

'Puter'd cry, if he weren't so pig-bitingly mad.

** Picture Caption: Adam "Pacman" Jones is hauled away by Treasury agents after beating down Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner at local strip club/bar the Leaping Peacock. Mr. Jones reportedly stated to government agents "Ain't no government punk gonna make it rain on Pacman's bitch GM unless it's Pacman." Mr. Geithner, when asked to respond, said "Who's the bitch now, Pacman. That's right. You and all the other taxpayers. Punk." President Obama could not be reached for comment.

Spies Like Us?

This summer, Iran detained three American hikers who allegedly strayed into Iran, accusing them of espionage. The hikers' families just released a video they claim definitively shows the hikers could not have been spies.

In the video shot a day or two before the abduction, the three hikers are shown goofing around, singing and dancing in a mock music video style. The families claim the joking portrayed in the video shows their family members are not spies.

Now as Gormogon aficionados know, 'Puter has no truck for fundamentalist Islamic regimes. And 'Puter thinks it's about 95% certain that the hikers were dumb, lefty kids (all three are UC Berkeley grads) who thought it would be cool and fulfilling to hike in one of the most dangerous parts of the world, and erroneously crossed a poorly defined frontier. But isn't it logical for Iran to say good spies are those who don't appear to be spies, thereby discounting the videos?

The hikers' families better come up with a more convincing argument for their innocence.

Returning to the Right

A Gallup poll on liberal attitudes is a bit like polling 12-year-olds on whether they like cell phones. Therefore, the outcome of their most recent liberal attitudes poll comes as a welcome surprise: even Gallup concedes that liberalism has more or less had its day.

Today, only 20% of Americans view themselves as liberal; as many as 40% consider themselves staunch conservatives, while 36% consider themselves moderates. A political “moderate” is what liberals call a conservative who is not a libertarian, by the way.

Think about that. One in five Americans is a liberal. Reading the internet, you would think they were a vast majority of people. Fortunately, ten months of Obama, Pelosi, Biden, Reid, Frank, and others has pretty much forced Americans to take a good look at what they believe.

There is more. Much more.

More Americans believe there is too much government involvement in business.

The popularity of labor unions is at its lowest point in history. Today, only 48% of Americans do not want unions destroyed. Interestingly, the drop in popularity appears to be as fast as it was in 1961, but the decline continues whereas it was fairly brief in 1961.

Most Americans want firearm laws left alone or actually relaxed. Go guns!

Nearly all Americans want immigration levels held steady or actually reduced. B-b-b-ut, if we tighten immigration laws, who will vote for the liberal candidates?

On 2008, Americans were tied on the issue of the government promoting conservative values. This has now split apart, as more Americans want America to promote conservative values again.

These signs are very good that this country is starting to pull its head out of the liberal sand. Curiously, Americans are about tied on the issue of abortion. This is the first time in decades, though, that Americans are trending pro-life.

And as reported all over the blogosphere, Americans are rapidly tiring of global warming issues. Most Americans still think there is a climate issue pending, but support is falling fast. Remember that the poll incorrectly combines “accepting there is validity” wtih “belief the issue is horrendously serious.” Your Gormogons, for example, do not dispute there could be climate change; we just do not believe the evidence is strong enough to warrant conclusive action. As one reads through the poll questions, one sees where anything slightly in favor of global warming has been combined to offset the rise in outright disbelief. The only fairly phrased question was whether or not Americans belief global warming is a threat in this lifetime, with a simple 60-38 against the idea. By reducing the issue to a yes/no, one finds Americans clearly do not support immediate action or reactive legislation.

Many popular polls suffer from inadequately phrased questions. For example, one of the Gallup poll questions was whether the person worries a great deal, a fair amount, only a little, or not at all about the pollution of rviers, lakes, and reservoirs. But the categories are not defined: what is “a fair amount?” What’s an unfair amount? And who would say they don’t worry at all? Secondly, what do we mean by pollution? The Czar opposes polluting rivers, lakes, and reservoirs, but does not know how much polluting goes on in Muscovy. Probably little. The biggest issue out here is people pouring yard waste into storm drains so that grass clipping promote algae growth on our waterways. Is that pollution?

Even so, these signs are very good that this country is starting to pull its head out of the liberal sand. The Czar will surprise readers by hoping that liberalism is never totally wiped out—not only do we sometimes need challenging ideas to think about, but we need people to park our cars, fetch us our food, and use up our stagnating illegal drug supply. Remember, if it weren’t for liberals, all we would have to gripe about would be sports.

Can I Get That Beer In A Sippy Cup?

Your Mandarin was perusing his November 2009 issue of the American Rifleman magazine this morning and came across this news brief:

Back in 2005, after an article in the British Medical Journal called for a ban on pointed kitchen knives throughout Great Britain, some asked what might be banned next: cricket bats, axes, or butter knives? Now, the British Home Office has managed to outdo those expectations. In a move sure to make armed citizenry proponent and brewer Samuel Adams roll over in his grave, the Home Office’s new target is the pint glass.

As part of the nationwide “Safe. Sensible. Social.” Campaign, the British Home Office has commissioned a new, “safer,” pint design, meant to replace the traditional pint glass that officials complain can be used as a weapon. Many in the pub industry expect the new design to incorporate shatterproof plastics, which would change the feel and experience pub customers desire. Pub owners are also worried about the inconvenience and cost the switch could impose on their businesses, particularly during the current recession.

Others in the pub industry have questioned the need for such drastic measures. The BBC reports that 126 million pints of beer or ale are served each week in the UK, while the Home Office reports crimes involving bottles or pint glasses amount to only 5,500 per year. One pub owner even suggested an alternative to help curb violent crime, stating, “Surely the Home Office needs to make the police use existing legislation and lock up the violent offenders?”

Those keeping track of Britain’s “progress” might find it interesting that even George Orwell could not predict how far the British government would go. In the totalitarian Britain of Orwell’s 1984, even the lowly “proles” were trusted to drink beer out of actual glasses.

Your Mandarin wonders, does someone in the Home Office have stock in a company that makes plastic cups? This is the classic leftist/progressive tactic of confusing the masses with motion instead of action. And where are all the environmental groups bemoaning the use of all this plastic and the release of that deadly plant food CO2?

Oh well, I guess that old song by the Kinks has come to fruition – there is no England now.

Scientology Smackdown

Europe really hates Scientology, which is something the Czar thinks Europeans are getting right.

Scientology was allegedly founded by L. Ron Hubbard on a $5 bet concerning how gullible people are; the Paris criminal court decided what we already know: that Scientology is a simple tool to get rich morons to give cash to people with low moral scruples. And as a result, jail time and hundreds of thousands of euros in fines for the key players in French scientology.

The French elected not to ban Scientology outright, which caught the Czar by surprise. The Germans have been trying to eradicate Scientology from their tax exemption system for decades (and that’s been working about as well as other German social eradication efforts), so the Czar initially believed the French might finally go for broke and tell Scientology to take a well-deserved hike.

Scientology charges people outrageous sums of money to hook some sort of apparatus called an electrometer to measure your possession by alien overlords. That, friends, is a claim legally testable. The explanation was a source of further surprise: if you ban Scientology outright, French Judge Sophie-Hélène Château decided, you drive it underground and it achieves special status. On the other hand, keep it legal but keep fining the crap out of it until it becomes economically difficult to profit by it.

The Czar concedes this is a very smart strategy that (a) should provide excellent precedent for other European countries and (b) could be adapted here. Let us be clear: Hollywood is divided into two faux-religions: Kabbalah and Scientology. Both have a lot of money behind them, and a dimwit like Tom Cruise would almost certainly want to belong to a banned religion as it gets you an even nicer table at The Leaping Peacock. But a cash-strapped celebrity or a celebrity still on the fringe of lost popularity might distance himself if there were criminal fines directed at Scientology elders.

Some folks are concerned that this sets some sort of dangerous precedent for other religions. The Czar does not think so. Scientology, if you pause for a moment, is not a religion. It ceased being a religion the instant it claimed your occupation by alien creatures could be measured scientifically. Roman Catholicism does not hook a voltmeter up to the Eucharist to prove transubstantiation; Judaism does not subject the Torah to an oscilloscope; Hinduism does not provide MRIs of Gonesha. Scientology charges people outrageous sums of money to hook some sort of apparatus called an electrometer to measure your possession by alien overlords. That, friends, is a claim legally testable. Religions, per se, make no claims that can be legally tested.

Scientology is a scam, always was, and is now recognized as fraud. This is already a safe and tested precedent here in the States: you can prosecute psychics, mediums, astrologers, and palm readers for bilking people out of their money. Scientology is on the same level as this nonsense.

Dust Bowl, New York Style

It's official. New York is the modern-day equivalent of 1930s Oklahoma, with its residents fleeing intolerable conditions for a better future in more hospitable climes.

The crime of it all is that unlike Oklahoma in the 1930s, New York's downfall is entirely manmade. An unholy marriage of politicians and public sector unions resulted in a toxic brew of obscene taxes and overweening regulation. Hence, any private sector earner with half a brain and the means to do so has fled the state.

Which really tells you all you need to know about 'Puter's intellect.

Odd.

FBI: 50 Children Rescued From Prostitution in National Sting says Fox News headline.

The Czar read it, but could find no mention of ACORN. Are they not sponsoring this behavior anymore?

Union Pacific?

Both Australia and Japan have offered strong ideas on a reorganized international power bloc to shore up the aging ASEAN.

The two ideas are not compatible, strictly speaking.

Australia wants more US involvement, and Japan wants less. None of this is surprising, and the Czar will tell you why.

Japan wants less US involvement because (a) pushing back against the US is a cotterpin of the new ultra-liberal Japanese government, so any opportunity to push Americans eastward is a good one to them, and (b) the Japanese no longer recognize America as a serious world player thanks to our current administration; instead, they are turning more to China. Indeed, the Japanese proposal gives a little more latitude to China.

China has recognized that Japan is better off a conservative, capitalist nation.Australia, who is one of America’s last reliable friends in the world, sees it differently. They see that America will come roaring back the moment “the professor” is out of the White House, and that American involvement means less power for China. Additionally, Australia suspects China’s motives may include ulterior ones.

Japan also prefers a European Union-style organization between them, Australia, China, South Korea, India, and New Zealand; China and India, not surprisingly, are not warm to this idea. No surprise: if the fickle Japanese economy bellyaches, their economies suffer...particularly when the current Japanese economy is led by people who detest capitalism. Japan has still yet to recognize that her recently elected government is not the better leadership. Ironically, China has recognized that Japan is better off a conservative, capitalist nation!

Ban-Ki Mun: Get a Job, You Bum

Ban-Ki Mun writes an open letter to the American people in the New York Times saying that we can sign the Copenhagen bill that (a) President Obama has been stalling on and (b) puts the United Nations in charge of a large portion of American environmental law, which is probably anti-Constitutional.

Mun argues that the time to act is now on climate change, think of the children on climate change, now is the time for unity on climate change, and other liberal progressivist chants for climate change.

Secretary General Mun, and you know the Czar despises you and your college socialist organization called the United Nations, the matter comes down to this:

Americans are sick and freaking tired of the liberal sobs on climate change. The polls show it: Americans are not buying it.

There hasn’t been an issue in the last 20 years that Americans have ditched faster than climate change.In fact, there hasn’t been an issue in the last 20 years that Americans have ditched faster than climate change. The facts are not checking out, the climate folks are falling all over themselves in looking like morons, and the cap and trade bill is taking money out of our pockets at a time when people here are going hungry and angry.

So here it is: you need to back off and go back to giving firearms to Palestinians or ignoring the casualties in Darfur or whatever it is you guys do now between smoke breaks.

Let us be honest—the United Nations has much bigger problem with unemployment, income loss, and a collapse of our retirment options (and yeah, our retirement options help fuel the welfare state bleeders like you created).

This Copenhagen fantasy and indeed the United Nations as a (w)hole depends upon the United States to bankroll everything. You are like a whining cousin who shows up at the door asking for money, and then gets pushy about it.

It is time we slammed the door in your face. Go elsewhere. The United States free money store is closed today.

Try China. You all seem to like them these days.

The Goose That Laid A Golden Turd

The Czar and the Mandarin were having dinner with the president of a union trade business this past week. He tolerates only union workers, a point which he is fond to make. Since he was buying dinner and large amounts of alcohol, we let him speak all he wanted on the benefits of a union shop.

Instead, he began to swear like a union tradesman. His health insurance costs were killing him: he purchases health insurance for his core employees directly through the union. However, since discussions of healthcare reform ignited earlier this year—which the unions have proclaimed great joy over and tried to ensure a tax-free discount for union workers would be included—the unions have begun raising insurance rates.

Sure, there were plenty of reasons of why. But he claimed the unions were slitting their own throats: the boys and girls, from masters down to apprentices, are well aware that the only union members who will benefit from healthcare reforms are the union lords and masters. The rank and file can go screw themselves, he said (using a different word or two), because the management is keeping the low cost stuff for themselves.

How ironic, thinks the Czar, that the unions were formed to protect workers from robber baron scumbag management—and yet, here in 2009, the union management has become robber baron scumbags, picking the pockets of the members for no other reason than the members let them.

So the company president was forced to admit that he is pulling the plug on the union healthcare benefits, and that he can cut enormous chunks of his healthcare expenses by buying insurance directly from a typical provider like Blue Cross. “What else can I do?” he asked. “The union doesn’t want to protect the guys in the trenches.”

No, the Czar thought, the union wants to bilk the members out of their hard-earned money while they build their own aristocracy.

Indeed, the Mandarin agreed the next day, it is hard to weep when the unions keep slaughtering every golden goose they receive. It is impossible, he suggested, to look at what happened to General Motors and Chrysler and still pretend that organized labor benefits the workers.

And if the unions are promising lower healthcare costs while raising the costs to members, well, one is forced to think that the union members need to start leaving in even greater numbers.

Fan Mail: Beautiful, And Yet Very True

You guys set a pretty high standard—I’ve read a few blogs that don’t and they’re not worth the electrons they’re printed on.

See ‘Puter? Quality pays off!

You Are The System You Would Fight

The Wall Street Journal provides an amazing critique (and possible explanation) behind the Obama administration’s otherwise moonbat fixation with Fox News.

The Czar agrees with this pretty much throughout, but feels there is not enough emphasis on the President’s dismissal of the event, saying that the average American would rather hear about how he will create jobs and save the economy.

Yes, indeed, we would. But instead of the President doing anything about this, or even saying much in that regard, he continues to nosepick over Fox News.

The tie-in to Alinsky? Very interesting theory. And kudos from the Czar to whomever first realized that President Obama’s playbook is limited to fighting the man. He does not realize that he is, now and tomorrow, the man himself.

Apple wants to Advertise: Allow or Deny?

Microsoft, rightly so, has been much maligned for it's overly chatty "security" features in Vista where almost any action (in the default setting) prompts the user to allow or deny the action.  Yes, you gearheads, I know this is somewhat configurable but even Apple jumped on the mocking with one of their "I'm a PC and I'm a Mac" ads (which completely amused GorT).

If Microsoft and Apple were in a political battle, the negative ad that Microsoft should fire back with would unfold like this.  PC guy and Mac guy start a dialog.  Light hearted quips are exchanged and then right in the middle of a Mac guy sentence, a big "Buy SnowLeopard Now!" sticker appears over his face as the remainder of his sentence is muffled by the sticker.  Fifteen seconds later, a "Click here to continue" button appears on the sticker.  PC guy reaches over and clicks the button which causes the sticker to disappear.  Mac guy looks confused, pauses, but continues with the previous banter about the ease of which some girl can save Christmas.  Another 15 seconds pass and a streetwalking billboard appears slung over the Mac guy's shoulders.  On the front it reads: "FinalCut Pro: Become the Director you always wanted to be".  Mac guy is confused again, spins halfway around and the audience sees the back billboard that shows the FC Pro box with a bright star with text reading, "In Apple Stores on...."  Mac guy tries to speak but now his voice is totally muted.  PC guy is distracted but upon refocusing on the Mac guy's quandary, the ad disappears and we hear the Mac guy's voice again.  Etc. etc.

Think this is far-fetched?  Well, Apple has filed for a U.S. patent on "showing advertisements within an operating system".  Steve Jobs is listed as the first inventor.  Of course, the situation I outlined above is only the start.  Imagine seeing this on your iPhone...or iPod as both have "operating systems".  In the middle of your run while listening to the Black Eye Peas, all goes quiet and then you get forced to listen to an advertisement.  We'll have to wait and see if Apple is bold enough to go there.  This could be a savvy move to stake a claim to this kind of behavior in order to reap royalties but hide behind the outrage surely to follow by having the licensee company be the implementer that takes the heat.

Leaping Peacock Jitney

If any reader is wondering how 'Puter managed to haul his lazy rear end all the way to the Leaping Peacock (200 yards away from Castle Gormogon) in the first instance, look no further.

Behold! 'Puter's sweet ride, borrowed from a creative, yet slightly alcoholic, Minnesotan!

Don't fret, though. The Czar drove home, seeing as how he had had far less to drink.

50 Years of the Obama Presidency?

Imagine your Mandarin’s surprise when he read this headline – Barak Obama sees worst poll rating drop in 50 years – for this article from the Telegraph.co.uk online.

I thought Obama had only been in office for less than year, but this reads as if he has been president for life. Aside from being some left-wing liberal’s or third-world dictator’s dream, it is really just a case of a headline that could have been better written.

Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't

Senator Harry Reid, we hardly knew ye.

It has been made pretty clear that if Senator Harry Reid puts forth a public option in the health care bill, voters will throw him out of office.

So in response, Senator Reid agreed to take out the public option.

And now, the liberals who put him in office are threatening to take him out if he scraps a public option.

Since Reid is generally portrayed here as a useless tool of the Left, it looks like his political future is short indeed.

Castle Gormogon Schedule Change Alert

We need to clean out the dungeon, lay down some fresh straw and call the butcher shop.

The Czar's pet Oksana is coming home after her successful Central Asian tour.

**'Puter meant to label the post "Stern Bears" but Volgi used up all the tags.

Raucus Bills

You know, the Czar is getting annoyed with allegations that puts up some pretty obscene bar tabs, and that he does some pretty serious damage each night because of it.

On a hunch, the Czar decided to see whether he is as bad as that. On another opportunity in which ‘Puter chewed through his restraint collar, jumped the fence and sprinted down the road, the Czar was nominated to pursue him and bring him back.

The bad news is the Czar made it no further than the Leaping Peacock on Ambergris Road, about 200 yards from the Castle. The good news is that there was ‘Puter, at a table near the window.

Perfect. Not only did the Czar uphold his promise to find the Geep before the latter bit somebody important, but the Czar had an opportunity to request separate checks. The Czar snagged both receipts. Now, look carefully at the receipts below (click to enlarge); and you decide: who rang up the bigger tab? Eh? Eh? Who was it?

Yup. Thought so. NOT the Czar. So no more of these accusations that the Czar is insanely drunk.

This MSNBC chick is smokin’ hot

But apparently dumber ’n a box o’ rocks. Watch Jesse’s face. Just awesome.

Movie Night At The Castle

The Czar is attempting to catch up on his movie watching. Well aware that folks no less than Jonah Goldberg have criticized certain films as strongly liberal, the Czar must concede he does not see it. Some of these films are strongly conservative! For example, the following.

Falling Down, 1993. A defense contractor is let go from his job due to defense budget cuts by President Clinton. Caught in a traffic roadblock initiated by a Democratically led Department of Transportation construction project, the man snaps. Denied visitation to his estranged wife and daughter on the latter’s birthday by a liberal judge, he is free to rely on his Second Amendment rights by obtaining firearms dropped by illegal alien gang members. Along the way he meets all sorts of liberal racists, cowards, and progressivist types (including an overcharging store owner who fails to understand capitalist barter) and scares some sense into them. Very rewarding and uplifting.
Forrest Gump, 1995. Hysterical movie in which Tom Hanks portrays a moron. He goes through life, completely convincing famous liberals that he is not an idiot—just a fellow liberal who expects everyone else to take care of him. From his inability to understand simple logic to his meaningless stories and catchphrases that mean nothing when a person with a three-digit IQ thinks about them, he is the true liberal icon and shows what the Democrats want to do to your kids. Brilliant satire. Great cameo by Haley Joel Osment.
The American President, 1995. Another knee-slapper. Here, Michael Douglas plays a Democratic president who gains a little popularity when his wife dies. Basically, he is ineffectual and depends upon his eleven-year-old daughter to run the country. Like most Democratic presidents, he attempts to round up the nations’s guns under the euphemism of a crime control bill, but of course the country rejects this. So he attempts to use a lobbyist, with whom as a Democrat he naturally sleeps, to drum up support by changing the wording around and making gun control part of a brutal anti-capitalist environmental reform bill. Not surprisingly his popularity nosedives, and he is forced to ditch the environmental bill (which gets the lobbyist fired, showing that even fictional Democratic presidents know two different ways to screw people), and even agrees to dump the crime control bill at the end of the movie to riotous applause. Realizing he did the right thing, he reassures his liberal supporters that he will naturally draft a stronger gun control measure in his next term, but of course he never does. A great morality play that shows if you are a Democratic president, people will hate you until you stop messing with guns, the environment, and hot chicks.
Dave, 1993. Insightful film that reveals how much corruption is part of any Democratic administration. Kevin Kline plays Dave, a temporary employment expert who bears such a striking resemblance to the President that he is asked to portray the POTUS in public while the latter boinks some girl, as Democratic presidents do. Except, of course, the actual president succumbs to a stroke, and to cover up the illegal activities for a while, Dave is asked by a typically evil Democratic chief of staff to continue portraying the president while the chief sets himself up to become president and continue with illegal activities, for which they will blame the simpleton vice president. Dave rebels, and backstabs the chief of staff in true Democratic fashion. He then begins a ridiculous campaign of guaranteeing employment to all Americans as a bloated extension of welfare. With no ability to pay for this, Dave does what Democratic politicians do and fakes his own death in order to stick the hapless vice president with the mess to clean up. The chief of staff goes to jail. Dave laughs when he escapes, and decides to run for office as a Republican.

So two black guys and a lesbian go into a TV studio…

…and defend Rush Limbaugh

The Age of Barack is bringing folks together…in some very surprising ways.



Incidentally, for you kids who've grown up recently and have only heard the slur “house Negro,” just know that it’s a polite circumlocution for the original, even more hateful phrase.

[And in passing, based on Juan Williams' flabbergasted and furious reaction to Candidate Obama's dishonest defense of the racebaiting Jeremiah Wright, your Volgi predicted that Mr. W will, at some point, snap entirely and unload on Obama and his minions who cynically manipulate—and heighten—racial tensions for their own gain. One suspects that this incident has moved that day a fair bit closer.]

Rev. Al Sharpton, Hypocritical Assmonkey

Today we learn that Megan Williams, who claimed under oath that she was kidnapped, brutally raped and tortured, made the entire story up. The story then tiptoes around the fact that the woman may be recanting because she is mentally retarded/disabled/differently abled/special/intellectually challenged/[insert PC term of the day here]. But all this is window dressing for 'Puter's larger point.

Founder of Three-Sizes-Too-Small-Track-Suit-Wearers-With-Bad-Hairdos-For-Jesus Rev. Al Sharpton weasels his way into the story. Did 'Puter mention that the accuser is black/African American/melanin enriched? Rev. Sharpton, a former supporter of Ms. Williams, upon learning of the accuser's recanting, helpfully wrote the prosecutors stating "If Ms. Williams has, in fact, fabricated her story, then I urge your office to vindicate any wrongfully convicted individuals."

Have you no shame, Captain Hairdo? 'Puter remembers Rev. Sharpton from the Tawana Brawley incident. Read the sorry, sordid story here and here. Rev. Sharpton aided and abetted Tawana Brawley in knowingly destroying an innocent man based on a web of poorly constructed, racially motivated lies. This "man of God" has refused to apologize to the victim of his defamation to this very day.

In Rev. Sharpton's defense, he's a long-standing friend of the Jews. Just ask the folks at Freddy's Fashion Mart.

You’ve met the Czar

Now meet his mother:



Yes, that’s a Soviet uniform. You think your family has issues.

Shut up, hipsters.

Is just something I like to say. But this piece should give you some good ammo next time some boho bozo starts blathering on about sustainable urbanism, or whatever they're calling it this week:

In fact, lack of ethnic diversity may have much to do with what allows these places to be “progressive”. It's easy to have Scandinavian policies if you have Scandinavian demographics. Minneapolis-St. Paul, of course, is notable in its Scandinavian heritage; Seattle and Portland received much of their initial migrants from the northern tier of America, which has always been heavily Germanic and Scandinavian.

Or, as Mr. D. once sang:

Keith was the sole inhabitant
Keith was the sole inhabitant
Keith woke beside the fountain
From his dreams of china mountains
Far from the clatter of these autobanks
That keep chucking up money!
It turned into the kind of joke
That Keith feels isn't funny

Hey, We Needed The Dues

According to this article from AOL news, the number of married Catholic priests could grow sharply as a result of the Vatican’s decision to take in thousands of Anglicans and Episcopalians into the Catholic Church.

I agree with the quote by Lawrence Cunningham, “This decision will allow for many more married clergy in Western churches, and that’s going to raise anew the question, if they can do it, why can’t the priests of Rome?”

The rules for priest to be celibate go back to the Council of Elvira in 305 A.D. Cannon 33 states: It is decided that marriage be altogether prohibited to bishops, priests, and deacons, or to all clerics placed in the ministry, and that they keep away from their wives and not beget children; whoever does this, shall be deprived of the honor of the clerical office.

I understand the Catholic Church’s desire to increase the number of members, and in some sense by taking in these disaffected Anglicans and Episcopalians, they don’t have to go through the long conversion process – ready made Catholics, just add water. This looks to have all the markings of creating a community within a community. And what happens in the future when one of the young men who is currently being raised as an Anglican or an Episcopalian wants to join the priesthood. Will he be bound by the rules of the Catholic Church, or will he get special dispensation to be allowed to marry.

I think that the Church needs to rethink this celibacy policy and abolish it. Hey, if they could finally admit that Galileo was right after all these years, I’m sure there is enough room in the rectory for a wife and a few kids.

Ah crap.

Lookit. Click to embiggen.




Via Big Government.

980-Pound Man Needs 'Life-Saving' Operation

Deemed too big to fail.

Why They Hate Fox News

What do conservatives and liberals have in common? They both pretend to shun Fox News.

The interesting thing is that both camps generally do it for the same reason.

First, let us review. The Obama adminstration hates, hates, hates Fox News, and has decided it isn’t even a real news organization.

In response, ratings for Fox News have allegedly skyrocketed. This is seen, by many liberal blogs and conservative blogs, as proof of another White House backfire. By stating how much the President loathes Fox, the White House has merely told millions of Americans where they should go to find out more. And evidently America likes what Fox News is saying, although they would not admit it.

The liberals believe Fox News is a full, formal subsidiary of the GOP, a result of Obama’s rise to power. But the ten-minute liberal memory conveniently fails to recollect the anti-Fox vitriol when the news organization announced it was ’Fair and Balanced.” Liberals vomited hatred then, too, when Obama was an unknown campaign worker.

In nine months, Obama turned a great governmental resource like whitehouse.gov into a junior high school hate book. Conservatives also pretend they shun the news service. Your Czar, for example, avoids linking directly to FoxNews when other services carry the same story simply because opponents to our opinion will roll their eyes and say “Oh sure, Fox News is his source.” Yet, truth be told, he keeps a Fox News feed going on his browser. Why? Because Fox News tends to break with stories faster than the other news services, and they often lead with critical, terrifying stories the other news organizations bury or hide. Proof? When Fox News leads with a story damaging or critical to the Obama adminstration, the Czar can quickly find it on AP, AFP, or Reuters—but you never see that story make it to their news feeds. Yeah, they cover it, but they stuff it way in the back so you never see it.

It takes seconds to double check a Fox News story, and the Czar admits: they bat 1000. Every crazy, anti-Obama story that Fox News throws out there can be found by other news organizations. Did you know that the White House has a blog dedicated to attacking Fox News stories? What a freaking waste of taxpayer money. In nine months, Obama turned a great governmental resource like whitehouse.gov into a junior high school hate book.

Okay, so what is the reason liberals and conservatives both hate Fox News? The answer is Rupert Murdoch, the owner.

Liberals despise him because he is anti-intellectual. The liberal élite standing on its hardwood floor sipping its naughty California white while pretending to like Coltrane playing in the background clusters in its hate-the-richer-than-us circle and shows utter distaste for the newspapers that show celebrities with their tops off on some Majorca beach. And, you know, that type of trash is owned by Murdoch, the vermin that owns Fox News.

Conservatives gather at the Saturday barbecue drinking beer from an ice cooler while hollering at the kids to stop splashing in the pool, gathered around the grille festooned with Italian sausages, while wondering who the hell buys crap like those liberal tabloids that worship celebrity boobs somewhere in Europe. And you know, that’s the same guy that owns Fox News. Odd, huh?

Rupert Murdoch is probably blissfully unaware of any of this, as he laughs all the way to his several banks. All he knows is that he buys alternative media, regardless of the political bent, and the popularity shoots up. Right now, we are seeing a rise in conservative media because people around the world are tired of the failed promises of liberal progressivism. They want the alternative news, right or wrong, because they can do their own damn fact checking, than you so much.

And the fact checking seems to reveal that there is indeed a lot of news out there that is being stashed, buried, and suppressed.

So the conservatives, who hate Rupert Murdoch, check out to see what Glenn Beck has to say this time, and hear some story that the President wanted destroyed, and they revel in its underdog defiance. And the liberals, who hate Rupert Murdoch, study Fox News to find out what the next landmines will be, and to learn why their Lord has abandoned their narrow special interest.

And when will the White House blog fact check their involvement with ACORN?

A Ten Foot Poll

The White House—that is, co-presidents Obama and Gibbs—are crowing that a Washington Post/ABC poll is proclaiming that 57% of Americans would consider a public healthcare option. To put it another way, which ABC would if Bush were President, “Nearly one out of two Americans despises healthcare proposal.”

Of course, WaPo/ABC News conducts polls with the same science as conducted by, say, HuffPo. To translate that, 57% of Americans favoring public option translates to 42% of Americans favor a public option when done correctly.

Welcome Back from the Desert

Well, as you can see, the Mandarin is back to work. And he had great news for the Czar: the, um, experiment is totally ready. Tests concluded that the Mandarin was able to land his product in the exact center of Ground Zero every time!

He added that in a couple of days, he will have General MacArthur’s special visitor to the Yalu River ready, buffed, and painted.

The Czar did not have the heart to tell him the Korean War ended a few years ago.

Or rather, the Czar has a heart, but it is filled with dust.

We Come From The Future To Help

Well at least Fox News hasn’t named GorT and your Mandarin outright in this story about the Large Hadron Collider.

According to the news story, Danish physicist Dr. Holger Bech Nielsen and Japanese physicist Dr. Masao Ninomiya claim that “nature” is trying to prevent the LHC from finding the Higgs boson. Nature, Hah! Tremble in fear before the mighty Discombobulatron (patent pending), capable of time travel, destruction of billion dollar physics experiments, and opening cans without leaving a sharp edge.

They go on to further state that their math proves that nature will ripple backward through time to stop the LHC before it can create the God particle, like a time traveler who goes back in time to kill his grandfather – I’d personally like to see the math on this and the list of grandfathers killed.

With the advent of this untimely news story, it is clear that your Mandarin and GorT must double our efforts to prevent the discovery of the Higgs boson and how Jon and Kate Gosselin became celebrities. It has also become plainly clear that we have a security breach at the Castle Gormogon that must be plugged, and by plugged I mean the Czar’s bar tab needs to be closed.

Don't Think 'Puter Hasn't Been Tempted

To do what this distraught father did.

'Puter can't recall precisely how many times he's exclaimed "Jeebus, 'Puter, Jr. Did you really need to supersize that bucket of the Colonel's finest? 'Puter's gonna need an icebreaker to clear this log jam."

But 'Puter still hasn't stabbed his progeny. Yet.

Because That Has Worked So Well...Where?

President Obama talks tough on Sudan!

Either Sudan comes around to his way of thinking, or the President will use the international community to subject Sudan to talk and talk of further threats.

That oughta do it. Because it completely forced Iran to its knees. North Korea, too.

You know, when you think about it, President Obama did handle one foreign adversary exactly the right way. Sometime, ask him how he ended the pirate standoff in Somalia.

Yikes.

Click the "play" button.

Where Have We Heard This Before?

Just imagine if the progressive whackjobs that ran Europe into the ground decided to get together, and form a Euro-supergroup, a rock band of megastars who would basically do it all over, but this time as one gasping grab at eternal glory?

Imagine no more. Largely passed over by the American media is something vauge and ill-defined called the Lisbon Treaty. Yeah, it’s some goofy European thing we don’t understand, so we blew it off to focus on some moron and his kid in a balloon.

Pay close attention to the Lisbon treaty, as it is bad, bad, bad for America and the world.

It creates the foundation for a single, European country run by liberal progressivism.

Believe it. It establishes a president of Europe (with wiggly ferret Tony Blair as the leading candidate), and wider powers to a European parliament. It makes European Union treaties, contracts, charters, and whatnot all legally binding for member nations. And while there is no official requirement for member states to ditch their individual flags, it does require that they adopt the EU flag and swear allegiance to it (underneath their own, of course, but still).

Pay close attention to the Lisbon treaty, as it is bad, bad, bad for America and the world.Ireland and the Czech Republic have resisted joining—a 2007 national referendum vote showed a clear majority of Irish are opposed to this new plan under the correctly reasoned rationale that it strips away Irish self-determination in favor of a European one. The Irish in particular are concerned that European liberalism will insist on Ireland eliminating its ban on abortion. With assurances that the Lisbon Treaty will not immediately do any such thing, the irish government signed on. The Czech president brilliantly realized that there is no Virginia Compromise with a parliament: little countries will have no voice and no authority to overturn legislation that could harm them. However, President Václav Klaus insipidly declared that he cannot hold back the tide, or whatever, and has agreed to sign the treaty—and the rights of his country to self-govern—away.

The United Kingdom, who wisely realizes their economy would now support the shiftless drunk brothers-in-law economies of Europe, has opted out. They know the mighty pound will be tanked for the less valuable Euro right away.

Poland refused to participate as well, but PM Donald Tusk conceded that some misguided PM after him will likely sign Poland up in the future in an effort to play nice with the socialists.

After all, and where have we heard this before?—there is no time to debate or reconsider the matter. The time to act is now. No more talk! Ratify, ratify, ratify!

Why? Because upcoming British elections are likely going to topple their blatantly corrupt Labour government, and the expected landslide of conservative politicians in the British parliament will trigger small conservative come-back revolutions everywhere across Europe. And if that happens, one of the first things that will occur will be ash-canning the Lisbon Treaty before it becomes binding.

The liberals, in Europe, too, realize the 1960s are coming to an end, and with it, progressive radicalism’s empty promises. Act now, ramrod through, before the people realize what we have done.

Let us hope that Europe can be saved, once we are done saving America.

Spotlight On: Zimbabwe

One thing about reading the Big G as you do, is that you learn about all sorts of faraway places. Like National Geographic, but with less beautiful photography and even less whining. Today, for example, we cannot ignore what might be the first good news in a long time for Zimbabwe.

Zimbabwe is a country everybody knows is African by the name, but they know little more. Actually, Zimbabwe is one of the major hotspots in Africa to watch. And it just got really interesting again.

For the last 350 years, Robert Mugabe has been the dictator there. He is one of those “democratically elected” dictators, who drives his people into unimaginable poverty and starvation, yet wins re-elections with 99.9% of the vote. Sometimes more. And sometimes more than that.

Attempts to unseat Mugabe—who is totally insane—are always unsuccessful. However, in 2008, Morgan Tsvangirai and his party garnered enough votes to sit at the table and technically be a co-ruler. To everyone in Zimbabwe, it was evident that Tsvangirai had a vast majority of votes—Mugabe generously agreed to overlook that fact, and allowed Tsvangirai to share power. Tsvangirai agreed, only because this was the furthest anyone had ever gotten, and this was enormously far.

Gormogons Spotlight On: ZimbabweSimply put, the country is dying. There is virtually no economy, donations to help with AIDS and starvation are blatantly stolen, and the people are trapped in a country with no hope. People are dying there. The Czar has had email conversations off and on with someone in Harare, who says it is as bad as the rumors say; the correspondant (who is non-native and therefore is not starving or dying of disease) sleeps lightly with a firearm, and has had to shoot armed people breaking into his home on more than one occasion. And he is running out of ammunition, since you cannot get it there.

One perfect example of the lunacy that is Robert Mugabe comes from 1999, when he ordered the white farmers—whose subsistence farming offered the only genuine employment and food to the residents—to forfeit their lands without compensation. Mugabe then divided up the land into small, useless parcels and ordered blacks to take responsibility for farming them. Except the people who received the land parcels were not farmers and had no idea what to do. The whites left the country, for the most part, and left with whatever knowledge was needed to keep crops growing. Mugabe naturally blames the black landowners, who are for all intents and purposes government indentured servants, for not knowing how to farm. But he also blames the self-exiled whites for letting it get that way. Meanwhile, Mugabe dines well in his palace each night.

Since 2008, Morgan Tsvangirai began to construct what might be the rudiments of a real government—something Mugabe never got around to in decades of rule—by appointing ministers and starting to build an administration.

Tsvangirai announced that the delightfully named Roy Bennett would be named the deputy minister of agriculture. Without explanation, Mugabe ordered Bennett arrested and charged with terrorism, weapons possession, and the awesomely medieval “banditry.” With no shred of evidence, police naturally released him on bail. And Mugabe had him prompty re-arrested. Why? Because Bennett is white, and is one of the few people still there who knows how to make Zimbabwean agriculture productive again. And Mugabe knows full well that the first thing Bennett would need to do is repair the land ownership situation away from totalitarian redistribution of property back to the legal owners. Therefore, in Mugabe’s evil and warped mind, that is terrorism and banditry.

In response, Tsvangirai is now openly calling for UN elections to remove Mugabe from power once and for all (except Tsvangirai, who is new to governement, fails to recognize that Mugabe is a spawn of the UN and their ideal African ruler—a progressive parasite who sucks money off Americans). He is boycotting (jamming) Mugabe’s efforts to maintain the illusion of legitimate rule. This is the most serious blow to Mugabe’s dictatorship yet.

With luck, within a year, we could perhaps see Mugabe arrested and a proper democratic government restored in Zimbabwe. Good luck to Tsvangirai—so far, he seems to be a good leader. He could become a great leader. But the country has been through so much, and now has so little, he must avoid the temptation to simply switch places with Mugabe.

Mandarin Test Subject 13E90.22

Keep watching the skies for Orbital Mind-Control Lasers. (Also, don’t do ether, kids.)

Via FilmDrunk.

The Falcon Has Landed

ABC News has decided two things about balloon-boy Falcon Heene (pronounced “heenie,” like the H1N1 virus is pronounced):

1. He is like Tom Sawyer, a truly colorful and splendid literary character full of charm and whimsy, if not in some respects like a hero. In fact, yes, Falcon is truly a hero here.

2. It is normal behavior for a boy to hide for 5 hours in a small space.

A psychologist said kids Faclon’s age will hide to avoid punishment. The Czar agrees, but is not so sure that a 6-year-old will hide for 300 minutes; the Czar cannot get his 6-year-old to do anything longer than 5 minutes. Even armed with a monster Lego kit, Iron Man, a box of Capri Sun bags, a large pizza, and Godzilla action figures, the Czar might be able to get a six-year-old to hide for 30 minutes.

Some Folks Can't Let Go of the 1920s

Here is a story not being covered here in the enlightened United States.

A Louisiana justice of the peace has denied a mixed-race couple of marriage, saying that mixed race marriages are inherently bad for the children.

JP Keith Bardwell is a Republican, so you would think the news would be all over this. Many Democratic bloggers are. Except, Keith Bardwell ran as a Republican in his most recent re-election in 2008. For the 33 years prior to then, Justice Bardwell was a registered Democrat. Locals indicated that his switch may have had something to do with the Obama nomination. So while many lefty blogs are screaming about this (and rightfully so), they are generally quiet about his political background.

He swears he is no racist. Yes, he loved black people: “I’m not a racist. I just don’t believe in mixing the races that way," Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. "I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else." Yes, as people fit to use his bathroom.

Readers here have no trouble accepting the idea of a Democrat being a racist freak. Or a career Democrat changing his spots as needed. McCarthy was a career Democrat until he found he could get re-elected as a Republican. These guys usually don’t do well, do they?

One thing does not escape our attention. Both right and left blogs are agreed that this man should be removed from office immediately.

Stuck on Stupid

In a textbook example of Solomon-like judicial reasoning, a New York Supreme Court (county level trial court) justice granted an injunction to petitioning nurses preventing enforcement of the state-mandated swine flu vaccinations for all health care workers.

'Puter would like to thank the judge for preliminarily finding that the whining nurses have a property right in their ability to infect the sick and infirm on the basis of their Luddism. If 'Puter's kids get sick because a health care "professional" refused vaccination, woe betide the "professional" and this hand-wringing judge.

Also singled out for 'Puter's opprobrium are additional plaintiffs Public Employees Federation and New York State United Teachers. It's no longer good enough to suck taxpayers dry and bankrupt the state. Now the unions are for infecting your hospitalized children so anti-science idiots can keep their jobs.

If you want a preview of government run health care systems in action, look no further.

Best Morning TV Moment This Year

Brian Kilmeade, a morning host on Fox & Friends, let loose with his best unintentional(?) slip-up to date.

This morning, during a segment on removing pet stains from carpets, padding and subfloors, a goat, a sheep and a pig were present on set. While the guest was attempting to restrain the leashed sheep, Mr. Kilmeade advised the guest to "quit banging the sheep." Whereupon everyone on the set and behind camera burst into hysterical laughter.

Ah, bestiality. Is there nothing funnier?

**'Puter cannot locate the video online yet, and would appreciate a link. But 'Puter saw it, just as certainly as he loves his peyote and mescaline tequila shooters.