Or, "Why One Should Never Travel Without A Grocery Bag And Brawny Paper Towels."
'Puter's family took the death march back from his undisclosed beach adjacent vacation spot to his palatial Upstate hovel last Saturday. Fun was had from the beginning. For those not in the know, most beach rentals run Saturday to Saturday. 'Puter, although he had flexibility, forgot all about the Saturday-Saturday issue. As such, 'Puter found him esconced in East Coast traffic from Hell on his return trip. Great fun was had by all, as the 'Puter family can surely attest, mostly from 'Puter's short-tempered foul mouthed rants about everything from Masshole drivers to Amish buggies. Here's a true story illustrating the 'Puter family's travel hijinx.
'Puter, in packing the car for return, realized he had neither tissues (for his snot nosed offspring) nor an appropriate receptacle into which to place the waste. As such, 'Puter secured from Grandma 'Puter a plastic grocery bag and a partial roll of paper towels. ('Puter's family does not have sensitive noses, and Grandma 'Puter was out of tissues anyway). Little did 'Puter realize his foresight in securing the bag and towels.
About an hour into the trip, the youngest 'Puter in bumper-to-bumper gridlock declared "I don't feel good." Mrs. 'Puter grabbed the grocery bag into which the youngest 'Puter promptly deposited the contents of his stomach, cleaning him up with the paper towels. Nothing like exhaust fumes, heat and the stench of vomit to start one's day off right!
After that fun episode, 'Puter's intestinal tract started feeling a bit out of sorts. "'Puter'll just make it to the next rest stop, and everything will work out fine," 'Puter thought to himself. Wrong. About 5 miles onto a toll road, and two miles from the nearest exit, 'Puter found himself unable to hold nature's little brown choo-choo train in the station any longer, if you catch his drift. So, off to the side of the interstate, hazards a-flashin', and down the poison ivy covered bank with Brawny paper towels in hand went 'Puter. After taking care of his difficulty and returning to his vehicle, the 'Puter family proceeded to tool on 'Puter for the remaining seven hours of the trip. Especially in Lancaster County, Pennsyltucky, where a horse drawing an Amish carriage relieved itself on the side of the road, "just like Dad" according to the young 'Puters. Very frikkin' funny.
In conclusion, 'Puter would like to say that the Brawny paper towel folks make a fine product, more than capable of standing up to whatever body emissions your family decides to let loose on a long range car trip. And, if readers are good, 'Puter may regale you with further vacation stories. If readers are not good, 'Puter'll ruing your lunches again.
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