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Although the Gormogons claim roughly five billion members, only five of us actually write for the website. | The very first Gormogon in history was 孔夫子, usually known by his office of Œcumenical Volgi, or called the Notorious ŒV, Kung Ch’iu, K’ung-fu-tzu, Chih-sheng Hsien-shih, Wan-Shih-Shih-Piao, or, very occasionally, “Confucius.” He was born in 551 B.C., outside the city of Ch’ü-fu in the suburb of Elm Grove Heights. Serving as Minister of Justice, and knocking out a couple of books, he is credited with founding the semi-religion that bears his name; however, he did so on a winning wager against L. Ron Hubbard and does not practice it himself. As minister, he discovered his love of foreign policy and sarcasm. Dedicated to life-long learning, the Volgi is only one of several people with a doctorate in Umlautology, as evinced by his hyperdiacritical ravings on this site. The Volgi is immortal, and spends his off-time hours travelling the various Circles of Hell to pick out destinations for those whom he does not like. He travels the world, appearing and disappearing at will, and has mastered over 160 languages along the way. His favorite topics are foreign affairs, popular culture, and history. |
 | Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this. He lives in the Volgi’s living room, sleeping on the couch, drinking highly caffeinated sodas, and watching cable television obsessively. ’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor last year worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries. The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable. Coincidentally, he publishes IQ tests as a side gig. His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter dismisses accusations of being intentionally outrageous by hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently. |
 | GorTechie, or GorT, is an eight-foot-tall robot from the 51ˢᵗ Century who routinely time-travels to steal expensive technology from the future and return it to the past for retroinvention. The profits from this pay all the Gormogons’ bills, including subsidizing this website. Some of the products he has introduced from the future include oven mitts, the Guinness widget, Oxy-Clean, and Dr. Pepper. Due to his immense cybernetic brain, GorT is able to produce a post in .023 seconds and research it in even less time. Only ’Puter spends less time on research. GorT speaks entirely in zeros and ones, but occasionally throws in a ڭ to annoy the Volgi. He is a massive proponent of science, technology, and energy development, and enjoys nothing more than taking the Czar’s more interesting scientific theories, going into the past, publishing them as his own, and then returning to take credit for them. He is the only Gormogon who is capable of doing math. Possessed of incredible strength, he understands the awesome responsibility that follows and only uses it to hurt people. |
 | If you have ever walked down a street and suddenly found yourself transported to another dimension of pure evil, you probably met the Inscrutable Mandarin. A technological wizard, the Mandarin delights in tormenting people with bizarre, quasi-alien technology, and frequently collaborates with GorT, designing evil orbiting mind-control satellites, portable disintegration devices, and plastic wrap that sticks to itself but not dishes. When he isn’t online writing about lowest common denominators, America’s celebration of mediocrity, unions, and Democratic party foolishness, he can be found in chain bookstores in the Self-Help section, making pointed corrections to the texts with a pencil. He also checks in on the vast East Asian empire of zombie slaves who perform all his daily tasks (although they are evidently not very good at safe food-handling). The Mandarin is credited with introducing the Gormogons into England in the 18th Century. |
 | Fear and tremble before the Czar of Muscovy! Muscovy is a small, sleepy village outside of Chicago where everyone likes each other; this pleases the Czar, who would otherwise have them all killed. The Czar has a violent temper, and is capable of lashing out with rages and tantrums; however, he knows many ways to control his terrible anger, and spends most of his time not doing any of them. As the leader of a large Eurasian empire, he is very aware of the mean and vicious things the news media do and continually reaches out to them in hopes that he can eventually meet and kill them. He and ’Puter are both healthy drinkers, and have had many adventures together on alcohol-fueled rampages. GorT’s good for bail money. He detests Creationists and Bible thumpers, and seeks a reliable recipe for barbecuing them. Fools consider him the most moderate Gormogon, and he keeps his axes sharp. He is also quite lazy around the house. N.B., vodka ≠ body wash. |
Questions and Answers
• What is the deal with Val Kilmer?Great question. We wish we knew. We can tell you that in Gormogon prophecy, he will return from occultation as the Thirteenth Imam. What the hell that means is incredibly unclear. GorT’s gone to the future to check it out and came back saying, “Dude, don’t even ask.”
• Are you guys really into firearms?
Yes, every one of us. We are extremely pro-Second Amendment. (Second only in the Bill of Rights.)
• Why do you hate Esperanto speakers so much?
They know what they did. One aspect we can share with you is the obvious fact that Esperanto is a language designed to unite the peoples of earth under one, easy-to-learn common tongue overseen by a one-world government (Tergloba Administra Aparato) suspiciously top-heavy with former Romance-language speakers. Multiple languages are a Gormogon plan (Project Étemenanki®) to keep peoples varied and interesting—and governments small and easy to topple. The sooner we end this Esperanto foolishness, the sooner that gets back on schedule. In a related development, we hypnotically suggested Quenya, Sindarin, and Klingon to Tolkien and Marc Okrand as they slept, using GorT’s Dreamscape Device®.
• Can you explain the fascination with Hello Kitty?
In as much as She can be explained. The Hello Kitty concept originated with us in the late 1970s as a symbol of the mute horror each of you will experience when we completely finish consolidating our earthly powers and enslave you all. Note the lack of a mouth but her urgent need to scream. Sadly, due to a major screw-up in our marketing department, the logo became popular with millions of Asian girls aged 5-10. This state of affairs is a love-hate thing for us, because while we still intend to employ the logos as symbols of our ferocious tyranny, they also are a massive cash cow for us in the merchandising arena. Next time you see a Hello Kitty backpack, you know something evil dwells inside. And it cost twice what it should have.
• Are you guys right-wing libertarian nutcases?
Actually, no. It is our intent to enslave them too. The Gormogons openly welcome everyone of any persuasion, affiliation, conviction, or religion into our re-education camps. Our camps are everywhere, now, cleverly designed to resemble Curves workout facilities and Waffle Houses. Incidentally, in addition to receiving a brutal, primal conversion to our philosophies, you can also get really good pancakes at the Waffle Houses. Not so much the Curves, though.
• Is it true that there are secret messages in many of your posts?
Verily: A Little Kookiness In Latent Messages Encourages Re-reading. Anytime you read something that does not quite make sense, you should suspect there is a secret message inside. Unless it’s one of ’Puter’s posts. Then what’s inside is likely Jägermeister and Hi-C. You should also get into the habit of putting your mouse cursor over the pictures in our posts: you can often find little jokes (and subliminal mind-control directives) there as well. Your winning lottery numbers are 50 55 54 45 52 49 53 41 4A 41 43 4B 41 53 53 .
