Thrice-bad Mummy?

Ok, the Œcumenical Volgi is among the world's biggest fans of the The Mummy, Stephen Sommers' excellently pitched action-horror-comedy. It's feather light, immensely likable, and perfect popcorn-wolfing fun. The Volgi liked The Mummy so much that he was in the middle of drafting a screenplay for a sequel when he found out that not only had one been written, but it was already in production. And haste makes...crappy movies apparently, because The Mummy Returns was fairly lame. The Volgi's script was really good, I tells ya.

Consequently, the ŒV has had some mixed feelings about the third installment. I want to like it, and if they do Shanghai in the '30s or '40s right, I'm a sucker for that—but I'm assuming the worst. The absence of the adorable Rachel Weisz's (pictured, because duh) boded ill, methought. Alas, courtesy of Flava Last over at Galley Slaves, here's the legendary Miss A. DuPont's demolition of Mummy 3: Electric Boogalee, or whatever they're calling it. Quoth La DuPont, in re problems with it:

There are Abominable Snowmen in this movie -- three of them. At one point, one of them kicks an evil Chinese soldier over a goalpost-shaped piece of architecture. The Yeti behind the placekicker Yeti raises his arms straight in the air like a referee signaling "touchdown."

Now I like yetis. I like 'em a whole lot. I can tell you that they're called མི་རྒོད་—mekö—in Tibetan. But I can tell you this: they don't watch the NFL. (They're more cricket fans. Really.) So M3: Mummy Impossible is almost assuredly a special-effects-laden attack on the senses with a moronic script. I'll probably go see it anyway, but…[sigh]

Call the Volgi*, Mr. Sommers, if you ever want a literate, funny script in the spirit of the original. I've done it before; I'll do it again.

*At thenotoriousoev [at] me [dot] com.

Update: Dirty Harry confirms Alexandra's impression.

Maybe I'm naïve...

...but I just don't see how climate change (and I believe man has little impact on it - see here and here and here) is a racial issue but some people are trying to make it one. Isn't this just pandering? Racism is a horrible thing, but inserting race into an issue (or maybe a non-issue) only prolongs or creates a division that isn't needed in the first place.

So I'm clicking around that site...

...and I see this picture. Apparently it's from the shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe in that traditionally Mexican community of La Crosse, Wisconsin.

It doesn't say, and I'll have to double-check the artist's catalogue raisonné, but I'm pretty sure its title is Nicpiä Tonantzin Nican, or St. Juan Diego Says, 'I got your BVM right here.'

Seriously! Dreadful use of perspective!

Inside Catholic baseball.

Move along, nothing to see here. Except it gives me another excuse to rail against stupid H.R.'s ripping out the communion rail. GRR!

Where's my freakin' intinctorium!

Military goodness

Some fun videos from MilitaryTimes.com.

For gun dorks, the H&K 416, which looks to be an distinct improvement on the M4 (the Kalashnikov-inspired gas piston is a particularly welcome upgrade), though I still don't know if terminal ballistics are going to be lethal enough with the SS109/M855 round out of that short a barrel. Still, H&K's XM8, FN's SCAR Light, or the 416 would all make me feel better for our servicemen than the M4 at this point. This ain't a bad idea, and you could open the field up to the Robinson XCR (pictured), the Bushmaster ACR, the Tavor, the FN F2000, the SAR21, the Beretta ARX-160, etc.

For Flava Last chained to the galleys over there, here's some F-22 porn from Farnborough this year. Remember, F-22 pilots say that they haven't yet reached the limits of the plane's maneuverability—they literally don't know what else it can do. Look on in envy, Sukhoi! (No disrespect to them. They build some awesome planes, including perhaps my favorite Russian plane, the Su-25 "Frogfoot", their nasty equivalent of our sainted A-10 "Warthog" (which I love too much as well; pictured).

I may go catch an F-22 and/or V-22 demo at Oshkosh this weekend...

The heart breaks.

One victim, three-year-old Aleyna Çelik, was laid to rest in her parents' hometown, the Aegean city of Amasya. Her mother, Melike Çelik, speaking at the funeral, said, “I died with her. Today (Monday) was supposed to be her birthday. Instead of celebrating her birthday, we are burying her.” The funeral was attended by her family and local and military officials. Aleyna and her four-year-old cousin Taha Yıldız both died in the same explosion.A 14-year-old victim's, Murat Ağca, funeral was held in the Fetih Mosque in Güngören. Besides Ağca's family and relatives, district official Gürbüz Karakuş, Güngören Mayor Şakir Yücel Karaman and Bahçelievler Mayor Osman Develioğlu attended the ceremony. Brigadier Gen. Bahadır Köse, from the 23rd Division, also attended the funeral and offered the family his condolences. Ağca's coffin was carried among slogans. Ağca's classmate, Furkan Şentürk, shared his fate as a victim of the explosion. Both had succeeded in the entrance exam to the Kuleli Military Academy and dreamed of becoming soldiers.

TDN, 6/30/08

Başlarınız sağ olsun.

Vacation assignment for the 'Puter

Ghettoputer, see how you would have done on Professor Obama's con-law exam. My guess is...

Le Colbert ultramontain

For reason which must remain obscure, this is more GorT's bailiwick than mine, but Stephen Colbert on the looming Anglican schism is pretty darn funny.

Tire iron!

Well, between Ghettoputer's braining some guy and my unloading my sawed-off on my Toro, GorT has compiled a pretty excellent police blotter. When will his felonious misdeeds come to light? Watch this space...

Ghettoputer's Weapon of Choice

While most of the amusement in this story is an inside, high school joke for us three, I figured I'd post it anyway:

ORANGE COUNTY, Fla. -- Orange County investigators searched for three men who robbed a Roma's Pizza Shop on Texas Avenue and Americana Boulevard (see map) Friday morning. Deputies said the suspects hit an employee over the head with a tire iron.

"It was real fast, came in demanded the money, took the money and went right back out, couple of seconds," said Detective Jason Moorehead of the Orange County Sherriff's Office.

Investigators said the suspects took off with around $400. Police said there were no surveillance cameras inside or outside of the store.

Deputies used dogs to try and track down the suspects, but did not find them.

Orange County police have been alerted to the whereabouts of the Ghettoputer.

...and some of us slip right over the edge

Man, your Volgi seems to be carrying all the freight today. So, here's one from the Wildly Entertaining file. The Volgi understands the feeling—oh, yes, he does—but dude, seriously, grab the reins and some perspective.

Dude goes profane and berserk on his editors over the removal of an 'a'.

Stupid bailouts

Funny!

Not funny at all.

Both via PrestoPundit.

Andy Giuliani update

Following up on Ghettoputer's WWTD? post on gentleman and scholar Andrew Giuliani, here's a good post from Deadspin that points out this separated-at-birth resemblance.

We're bobbing along in our barrel...

Hey, for the six of us who were lucky enough to get into Wonderfalls in its all-too-brief life on Fox (and enjoyed its DVD afterlife, which has more episodes than ever aired on TV), this last item is neat. And you should watch Pushing Daisies. Very clever show.

Where's Ghettoputer?

"On vacation." But we really know he's scouting out a cheaper place to live.

Tr2n

I'll reserve judgement on its suckitude, and certainly for GorT's sake, I hope it's good. But what the hell is up with that title? I blame David Fincher or whoever came up with the idea of spelling Seven with a numeral. That went even further downhill to the proposed De2cent which has happily been changed. And now Tr2n? Wilco Tango Foxtrot? It's 1337, which is lame enough, but there's no visual correspondence between a 2 and an o! Not even close! Grrr.

END OF LINE

That movie might Suck, But...

..this one hopefully won't. I think you can safely sign up ol' GorT for seeing this one.

O, say, can you see?

I can't see my man Silent Cal. But pretty entertaining. As with most things from JibJab, who have a right Gormogonical temperament about politics.

“Bianca Jagger advocates Tridentine Mass”

Hmm. Can't say I saw that one coming.

In my defense (and, remember, I've got a sawed-off)

The lawnmower had it coming. And hey, my name is long, sure. And rhymes with an Umpty. But come on, know your Gormogon history! Who was the Œcumenical Volgi back in the day? That's right, Confucius! And writing 孔夫子 is a whole lot more Œconomical than "Confucius" or "K'ung-fu-tzu*." You can just call me ŒV, though, GorT. (GorT! Klaatu barada nikto! Which reminds me, how much is this gonna suck? I'm thinking "muchly." I do like that inadvertent highlighting of Keanu's wooden acting style, "Derrickson felt Reeves could portray a lack of humanity…")

*Wade-Giles is the Official Chinese Transliteration System of the Gormogons.

Making the Blog More Funny

We're here to mock, so I'll mock away: Apparently, 孔夫子, the Œcumenical Volgi (The Notorious ŒV) - could he have a longer name?, took matters into his own hands to make the blog more funny. See the news report here. Maybe he found a way to make his iPhone a sawed-off shotgun.

Technomonology

Though this is encroaching on GorTechie's territory, I realize we haven't talked about technology. Also, it's been too damn serious around here. So, killing two birds with one stone, I hereby order, BLOG, BE MORE FUNNY!.

(God, I want that program to the right.)

When "service" means "serving the state"

Here is a great essay by the brilliant Andrew Ferguson on McCain and Obama's egomaniacal exaltation of politics as "service" greater than leading one's "self-interest," which is to say one's own life and doing good in service to one's family, church, business, etc.

Condescension lies behind the call to a [Cause Greater Than One's Self-Interest]. Why does a candidate feel compelled to exhort his nation to a higher cause, especially a cause that's purposely left gauzy and undefined? He reveals a low opinion of his countrymen by doing so. He implies a population lost in self-absorption and narcissism, each member ignoring others in pursuit of selfish ends. It takes a lot of nerve to say that, even by insinuation—and since Obama and McCain want to make it personal, let's do.

It gets better from there.

And, not to get too highbrow, but it never hurts to remember…

"It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer, or the baker, that we expect our dinner, but from their regard to their own interest. We address ourselves, not to their humanity but to their self-love, and never talk to them of our necessities but of their advantages." — Adam Smith, An Inquiry into the Nature and Causes of the Wealth of Nations, bk. I, ch. II.

"Every individual necessarily labours to render the annual revenue of the society as great as he can. He generally, indeed, neither intends to promote the publick interest, nor knows how much he is promoting it.... He intends only his own gain, and he is in this, as in many other cases, led by an invisible hand to promote an end which was no part of his intention." — Ibid., bk. IV, ch. II

14 Percent

So what do you get when you push through legislation like the Fannie/FreddieMac bailouts, the closed-door La Raza Immigration Bill, etc.; have corruptions like the sweetheart mortgage deals, cold hard cash hiding in freezers, etc., all after publicly claiming that you would be the "most honest, ethical and open congress ever" ?? You get a whopping 14 percent approval rating. Lower than the demonized George W. Bush and the lowest EVER in the 34 years Gallup has been asking this question.

Comicbook Guy: Worst.....Congress.....ever.

Of course, this isn't new...heck, even Al "Super Green" Gore still is hypocritical, watch this video:

Gun control vs. black Americans

Lest you think Ghettoputer exaggerates when he cites the intimate ties between Jim Crow and gun control, I point you in the direction of this law-review article which does a nice job with the history and connection. Here's the epigraph, emphasis mine:

"I know something of the history of this legislation. The original Act of 1893 was passed when there was a great influx of negro laborers in this State drawn here for the purpose of working in turpentine and lumber camps.... [T]he Act was passed for the purpose of disarming the negro laborers and to thereby reduce the unlawful homicides that were prevalent in turpentine and saw-mill camps and to give the white citizens in sparsely settled areas a better feeling of security. The statute was never intended to be applied to the white population.... [I]t is a safe guess to assume that more than 80% of the white men living in the rural sections of Florida have violated this statute.... [T]here has never been, within my knowledge, any effort to enforce the provisions of this statute as to white people, because it has been generally conceded to be in contravention of the Constitution and non-enforceable if contested." —Watson v. Stone, 4 So. 2d 700, 703 (Fla. 1941) (Buford, J., concurring).

The often-forgotten role of the Deacons for Defense & Justice, who provided law-abiding armed protection to black communities and peaceful protests in the civil-rights movement of the ’60s also shows how the Second Amendment often serves a—if not the—guarantor of all other rights. As the authors of the above article point out in connection with New York City's Sullivan Act of 1911 (still on the books, ensuring only the rich and wealthy can legally protect themselves), it hasn't just been black Americans who've born the burden of disarmament because of majorities' fears and bigotry.

Governor Jindal…

...will also have to account for this oddball story he wrote in 1994, recounting a college dorm "exorcism" (not an actual Rite of Exorcism) for which he was present. Apparently it's come up in campaigns before and hasn't hurt him. Certainly his record's so impressive that if competency in administration is a criterion, he could be a human-sacrificing Druid and you'd still have to vote for him, if executive ability was your top issue.

But let not forget the top reason why he will some day be president, perhaps serving Mom's curry-laced jambalaya in the White House. Little Piyush Jindal came home from grade school and informed his mother that he'd henceforth be known as Bobby. Where did he get this name? Bobby "Mom Said Not to Play Ball in the House" Brady.

Hail to the Chief.

The Judge

We promised Bill of Rights, so Bill of Rights it shall be. First, the Second Amendment and our Nation's Capital.

Our ever-amusing and multi-talented civil rights abuser, the D.C. City Government has determined that no matter what the U.S. Supreme Court says, no way, no how are any law abiding citizens with the District ever going to own semiautomatic pistols. Only revolvers. And they'll tie you up in so much red tape, you'd wish you'd never even thought of exercising your civil rights.

In a bit of irony, the majority black government of the District is imposing laws preventing its majority black populace from owning guns for self defense. Much like the racist white Jim Crow South did in order to keep blacks down. Not pretty.

I say D.C. residents should beat their government at its own game. Go out and purchase this lovely revolver, which is capable of handling both .45 ACP and .410 shot shells in the same cylinder. While not very accurate at any large distance, this weapon is more than capable of putting big holes in an intruder who, with bad intent, comes into your abode uninvited. And its at least as powerful and "scary," if not more so, than the big, bad semiautomatic handguns the District wants to prevent you from owning.

Our Next Conservative President?

Bobby Jindal. I must admit, I've a bit of a man crush on Governor Jindal (R-LA). Ain't too many of us who have accomplished as much, even in a much fuller lifetime. He may be the salvation of the conservative movement in 2012 or 2016. Even counting his odd flirtation with the snake oil salesmen who gave us "Intelligent" Design. Were he to be McCain's V.P. candidate, his accomplishments alone would eclipse Sen. Obama's wafer-thin resume.

And, besides, Ghettoputer's Uncle George is a proud resident of the Pelican State.

Second on my list of potential conservative movement saviors? Adam Putnam of Florida, one of the last Florida cattlemen. More on Rep. Putnam (R-FL12) later.

There's no such thing as Super Car

For those not in the "know" of the Gormogonican references, there was an ad for the local (metropolitan Washington, D.C.) metrorail system where two kids beat the traffic jam using a "super car". Aside from the need for more roads in the DC area (Hello? We're the capital of the United States and we're got one of the lowest road miles per capita for comparable metropolitan areas), we have this now.

Streetlights. Magma. Brendan Fraser is down some big ho-ole.

Journey at the Center of the Earth



(Tends to load slowly, so I'd push play, then pause until it loads all the way, and then watch it.)

Show me...a decent target silhouette!

Why Ghettoputer misses the good times in the rural Plains.

"Honor" killing

Vile, of course. But puts one in mind of Gen. Sir Chas. Jas. Napier's reported response to a delegation of Hindu worthies complaining about the British abolition of suttee.

"You say that it is your custom to burn widows. Very well. We also have a custom: when men burn a woman alive, we tie a rope around their necks and we hang them. Build your funeral pyre; beside it, my carpenters will build a gallows. You may follow your custom. And then we will follow ours.

Georgia's a death-penalty state, isn't it, GorT?

Baby, It's Cold

By now, most folks have heard of Sen. Obama's (D-IL) opposition to the Induced Birth Infant Liability Act while a member of the Illinois Senate. This Act provided that in the event an attempted abortion failed to kill the fetus/child, and the fetus/child was then born alive, hospitals and doctors would be legally obligated to save this now extant person. Even NARAL did not actively campaign against this Act. Yet Sen. Obama determined to out-NARAL NARAL.

Regardless of one's position on abortion, this should be a relatively uncontroversial proposition: hospitals must act to save living human beings, including babies unintentionally born alive despite the best efforts of doctors and mothers to abort them. I am unaware of any pro-choice/pro-abortion advocate that takes the position that it is acceptable to kill a born human being under these circumstances. Except, apparently, Sen. Obama.

The good Senator's position here would seem to be extremely news worthy; that is, a presidential candidate's belief that "aborting" a child after birth is OK. Yet, it seems, neither Katie nor Charlie nor Brian have seen fit to question His Obamaness on this extreme pro-infanticide position during their Intercontinental Obama Love Fest.

Here's a few questions for free for Katie and her Boys, just to help them get started:

• How long after birth do you support killing babies? One day? Two weeks? Right up until they can legally vote for you for President?
• Since you support infanticide, do you support killing off our non-productive elderly as well?
• If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

I'd honestly have greater respect for Obama if he admitted he got paid off to vote against this legislation. Voting against this legislation shows a coldness, a calculating nature, that makes me doubt the good Senator's humanity.

P.S. Most Americans are far, far to the right of the good Senator's position on this issue, at least as of May 2007. (Scroll down to the "CNN/Opinion Research Corporation Poll. May 4-6, 2007" entry).

What Would Tiger Do?

Perhaps this explains why "Republicans" are having a hard time winning elections these days. It gives one pause as to what young Andrew picked up about conservatism at home from his father. (And yes, I know Andrew hasn't spoke to his father in some time, what with Dad dumping Mom and all.)

I truly feel for Giuliani the Lesser, what with meritocracy screwing him out of his richly deserved professional golfing career. I mean, he really wanted it, and The Man won't let him have it. It's not fair! It seems that now lawyers believe one is a victim and is due compensation if one can't compete on the merits.

And, kudos to Master Giuliani's attorney, Robert Ekstrand, Esq., for somehow turning "I got cut from the team. You owe me. Put me back on the team or pay me." into 198 pages of complaint. Genius!

In answer to the initial question posed, due to his skill and work ethic, Tiger would have never been in this position in the first place.

N.B., I base this post solely on the linked ESPN story above. Young Andrew's complaint is not currently available online, and my take could be proven wrong. But I doubt it.

Hello! My Name Is ...

Sex Fruit! Only in the Anglosphere does this sort of nonsense happen. No one in Bangladesh or Sudan pulls this sort of stunt, mostly because they're too busy figuring out how they're going to eat today.

Parents should follow the wise child-naming guidance of my mother, St. Mildred of the Greater D.C. Metroplex. At a baptism once, as the parents stated the name of their child for all to hear, St. Mildred turned to me and in a disapproving stage whisper said "That's not a saint's name." So, to all parents out there, for goodness' sake, pick a saint's name for your offspring. Something meaningful. Like Dymphna, patron saint of the insane. Plus, Dymphna's kind of hot for a saint.

And, yes, I leave aside (for the moment) discussion of the notion that it's acceptable for a government to have any sort of involvement in the naming of children.

Breaking News, really?

While on a business trip (writing from the Austin Airport now), I was obligated in the Hotel breakfast area, various restaurant "lobbies" and the airport to watch CNN. Every time I stopped averting my eyes, it was "Breaking News". At first, I actually wanted to see what the deal was - maybe Hurricane Dolly was taking a random turn north to wreak havoc with my return flights, maybe some tragic event occurred somewhere in the world, maybe...No, sadly, it was breaking news that Sen. Obama (D-IL) was visiting with foreign dignitaries in the Middle East. I'm sure this is front and center on most newspapers too (unless it gets bumped by chapter 10 on a decade-old Cold Case tragic unsolved murder...cough...cough...WaPo, oh it looks like chapter 11 is up today and trust me, I am truly sorry for her family, but the first few chapters were above-the-fold, front page, above articles I would consider much more relevant and important).

They truly are breaking (the) news.

Is that harmless old stoner really Josef Mengele?

So Radovan Karadžić finally got chased down by the law. I forgo commentary on Karadžić and his crimes but would care to draw your attention to the alias he's been living under: Dr. Dragan David Dabić, expert and lecturer in Human Quantum Energy. Also, he appears to have hired Jerry Garcia's stylist. Just goes to you show you, hippies can't be trusted. That harmless looking old dude who lives under the boardwalk in a hemp sweater and pants selling downers to teens could well be Nikolai Yezhov. Seriously, did you actually see them dump him in the Lubyanka incinerator?

Just be gone

His Fiskitude the Grand Exalted Psychopomp Jas. Lileks here goes after Garrison Keillor, who inspired the immortal "TV, BE MORE FUNNY!" Simpsons gag. In the course of Lileks's column, he notes that the Minnesota State Treasure® Keillor names as one of the many classes of people he despises as "cheese merchants."

The Œcumenical Volgi, having sources in that part of the world, has obtained the text of the following telegram sent from Wisconsin Gov. James A. Doyle (D) to Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty (R), dated Wednesday, July 23, 2008.

Dear Gov. Pawlenty,

Cheese Merchants?! CHEESE MERCHANTS?!?! THIS MEANS WAR! The Wisconsin National Guard will be in Moorhead by Friday! IT'S ON, GOPHER B*TCHES!

Go Packers!

Respectfully yours,

Jim Doyle

Mocking the Mockable Since 2008

The Antient & Noble Order of the Gormogons began as a secret society in Scotland in the eighteenth century, dedicated to parodying the powerful, self-important Freemasons and thoroughly enjoying themselves. In their spirit, we Latter-Day Gormogons have founded this blog to tweak any institution or person in need of comeuppance. This chastisement may take the form of social, political, and cultural criticism, but, in keeping with Gormogonical first principles, we'll won’t take ourselves too seriously and ask that you don’t either.

Who are the Gormogons? Ghettoputer, GorTechie and the Œcumenical Volgi have been friends since their halcyon youth in the Greater D.C. Metroplex under the benevolent despotism of Mayor-for-Life Marion Barry. At that time, they received the enlightened doctrine of Gormogon founder, the secret first Emperor of China Chin-K’wa Kai-Po (秦胯戤魄) by decoding the Voynich Manuscript using an occult algorithm derived from Paracelsus’s Archidoxis of Magic and the metrical scansion of Doug E. Fresh’s “La-Di-Da-Di.”*

Events have since scattered them across the country, except for GorTechie, who is too lazy to move. Ghettoputer resides in the Stygian dimness of Upstate New York, while the Notorious ŒV resides in exile in the Scandinavian-Occupied Territories, formerly known as the Upper Midwest.

Since you asked, turn-ons include current events, the Bill of Rights, technology (except for Ghettoputer, an Evangelical Luddite), long walks on the beach, Alexander Ovechkin, pop culture, history, the Washington Redskins (excepting Daniel Snyder until he publicly renounces Xenu and the pursuit of old, overpaid veterans), the military, personal responsibility, Ghettoputer’s ’71 Dodge Swinger, and Charlize Theron.

Turn-offs include Ghettoputer’s jenkemesque dip cup, unions organized against the public, the occupations of Tibet, Inner Mongolia, and tort lawyer, o’erweening government and its authors, stupid movie remakes, politicians in the main, X-TREEEEEEM sp0rtz, like-y’know mean people, the Dallas Cowboys, literalism, crappy writing, and Matthew McConaughey.

Pax vobiscum, shalom aleichem, salâm ‘alaykum, Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome, Fremde, étranger, stranger. Glücklich zu sehen, nous sommes enchantés. Happy to see you, bleibe, reste, stay!

*The original version, as the sample of “Ue o muite arukō” a/k/a “Sukiyaki” proved critical. Word.