Raising the Dead

As we know, having the dead around your place can become a tad inconvenient. And in our ongoing effort to provide you the best there is to be had by people like you, we've put together a few useful tips the Gormogons have found regarding raising the dead.

Use these in any order, really, but don't get too carried away. Remember that results may vary, and we can't be held responsible for any... um... unforeseen difficulties... which might arise.

• First of all, try waking the dead. Call their names loudly, and see if they respond. Remember, it's critical that you don't confuse the dead with people who are merely sleeping. Ask your local coroners about how embarrassing this is. If they don't wake up and demand an explanation, try banging pots and pans. Be careful: the Chinese used to frighten away solar eclipses with this same method, but you have to pick one methodology and stick with it.
• Wake your own dead. If you get extremely loud and irritating (Nine Inch Nails works well if this is your goal... ask our neighbors), someone nearby may scream at you that you're waking the dead. If in fact you are waking their dead, apologize. While a noble goal, remember that this may not fit in well with their plans, and inconvenience is something the enlightened person strives to avoid.
• Avoid magic rituals. Many dark arts feature rituals and incantations which allegedly return the dead to life. This, of course, is likely a waste of time. There is no evidence whatsoever that such practices will work, and if you're going to raise the dead, you should at least attempt to do so in the most scientific manner possible.
• Voodoo is best left to professionals. If you're a fully-qualified houngan, raise the dead carefully. Remember that zombies technically don't count, since we're not talking about raising the undead. But if you're going after bigger game, and you're no expert, you'll need more than a few chickens or snakes to do it right. Houngans are very particular about their techniques, and don't take well to interlopers who think they can hack it. Don't be like the Czar’s friend Brian, who thought he knew everything after reading an FAQ, and wound up irritating a local "specialist," who enacted a small price on Brian. If you're ever in Chicago, stop by the Lincoln Park Zoo and visit his cage. Brian will be happy to demonstrate what happened to him (and he never did succeed).
• Electricity was a popular approach at the end of the 1800s, but never panned out. Massive voltage might have brought Mary Shelley's monster back, but quite frankly our own research succeeded only in stinking up the place worse. And the bill! It would have been cheaper to run an air conditioner in every window here for a full year. If anyone's interested in an old Jacob's ladder (worthless for raising the dead, by the way, but the Czar was naive), shoot us an e-mail.
• Contrary to popular rumor, repeated watching of C-SPAN has the opposite effect. If you have C-SPAN on, you run the risk of becoming dead yourself.
• Reincarnation is a powerful consideration. If you believe in reincarnation, you're probably only going to louse things up, and really frustrate a few people. By the way, if you do believe in reincarnation, could you explain how the world's population has consistently gone up in the last thousand years? Where are all these new people coming from? Can they be trusted? You should fear everyone.
• Take notes. If you're successful, it helps to be able to reproduce the feat, especially if you expect to be believed. Witnesses don't always help. If you startle the dead back to life, be sure you write down what you did (firecrackers, cold water, pictures of Shelley Winters, etc.), so that other people can benefit from your findings.
• One question most people ask the Czar is: "Is it ethical to raise the dead and charge money for it?" The answer is yes, provided you don't charge the recently reanimated. They probably lack the funds to compensate you and since they didn't expect your service, it's rude of you to demand it. Remember the relatives might not appreciate you reviving "Uncle Slither," and they might balk at paying. Then what will you do? Our advice is that if you plan on charging next of kin for this service, get their agreement to pay in writing. The Czar can't stress this enough, as the recently-returned tend to freeload for months at your place unless you get someone to take responsibility for them.
• If you mistakenly raise the wrong person, apologize. Manners go a long way here. You don't like being roused from sleep, so imagine how they feel.

Well, no doubt there's something in these tips to offend pretty much everybody. We hope that if you're planning on raising the dead, you do so responsibly. Remember to be professional: dress well, and speak clearly. Extend every courtesy to your clientele, and try to network with other necromancers. Not only will they cover for you while you're on vacation, but in many cases, they'll be the ones reviving you in a few decades. Have fun, and above all, remember to floss!

How To Get Kidnapped By Aliens

It’s all the rage, kids, isn’t it? Once a side-feature of tabloids, even mainstream, real-news-only publications (such as The New York Post) are discussing the subject of alien abduction. According to some polls, more than 100% of all Americans have been kidnapped in the last twenty minutes, and those who haven’t are in a constant state of denial.

Rumor is, airport traffic control personnel find blips of alien craft on radar screens all the time, but are subject to intense cover ups, so that we never hear about them. Personally, were that true, you’d think there’d be more flying saucers routed into each other than there apparently are, but hey... perhaps that’s covered up too.

Anyway, if you haven’t been abducted by aliens, you’re clearly not hip, and probably live in a trailer park and eat Spam out of the can. Then again, these are the type of people who most frequently call in abductions. So, in an effort to make you popular, here are the Czar’s tips on getting yourself abducted.

Be Attractive To Aliens

Never be a scientist. Sure, you can come close and be a successful horror writer like Streiber, but nobody trusts a chronic fiction writer. A bit of the “cry wolf” problem, eh? The late Carl Sagan, for example, was never abducted, although he would have been an obvious choice, just so he could explain their technology to them in terms they could understand. Further, Frank Drake was never abducted, either, but would very much like to be, if only to prove that formula of his one way or another. Other scientists have been notably unkidnapped, such as Dr. Joyce Brothers, although there is some theory that she is, in fact, an actual alien.

Don’t be too popular, either. People trust celebrities, and consequently would not be good choices: celebrities blow whistles on such operations, and would be disastrous for any secret abduction program. However, there is a rumor that the B-52s were abducted in the early 1980s, but not for scientific experiments... hey, even an alien has to party.

Be human. Very few dogs, cats, dugongs, or dingos report abductions. Maybe they are abducted all the time, but aren’t intelligent enough to realize their subconsciouses have been tampered with. Could be: the Czar had a dog who had serious memory lapses; and one of our buddies has a cat who can’t account for a lot of his behavior.

In addition to being human, there are some other qualities you should have to be attractive to aliens.

• Be rural. Aliens hate crowded cities, and can never find parking; if you live by yourself off in the outer suburbs or in rural America, you’re ideal.



• Don’t be too smart. Aliens hate well-read individuals, who might shrug off a genuine abduction as nothing more than a waking dream, a flashback from just one teeny hit of acid at a party ten years before, or a harmless and brief microseizure in the neocortex. Boy, what a waste of time that would be!



• Don’t fall for the notion that an alien species would have evolved under a vastly different ecology from ours, and therefore could not possibly look like the very-human description of little guys with big heads and black eyes. Ignore the fact these totally alien creatures look more like us than chimpanzees do, with whom we share 96% of our DNA.



• Be open-minded! It helps if you are open-minded to different ideas; not just alien abduction, but bone up on astrology, pyramid power, fairies and elves, and crystal healing. Aliens have very little time for people who live and work in the real world.

Be Polite When They Show

Show some courtesy when they do show... remember, they won’t come screaming out of the sky at unbeliveable speeds, and they won’t take you up to their ship with powerful technology that would require a lot of massive energy sources which would interfere with reception for counties around you (or parishes, if you’re in Louisiana). No, they’ll appear out of thin air, without a sound, take you up with no apparent means, and whisk you off to their ship without a trace, and certainly without disturbing your neighbors. Be sure to show them the same courtesy.

Have cookies. Aliens like cookies, and it’s the sign of a good host to offer them some. For heaven’s sake, people leave cookies out for Santa, and we know there ain’t no Santy Claus. Yet, no one ever thinks to do the same for real house guests. And for heaven’s sake, offer them good cookies. These guys have traversed thousands of light years, and aren’t in the mood for those stale, generic vanilla wafers. Get the name brand stuff.

Don’t offer them milk until we determine if they’re lactose intolerant. After all, if they can travel space with transeinsteinian technology, they certainly have weapons to match, and nothing encourages a person to use them openly more than intestinal cramps.

It’s okay to be excited at meeting the aliens, but remember the little guys hate flash photography, and definitely don’t jam a camcorder in their face. Try to be subdued, and find a creative way to remember this historic meeting. Most people capture the moment by burying it into their unconscious so far that only wealthy and glamorous hypnotists can drag it out them by a combination of suggestion and encouragement.

Avoid making fun of their last names. Or their first names. Or whatever the name of their homeworld might be. They don’t seem to have much grasp of spoken languages, and they do the best they can with telepathy. And since they can use telepathy, and you can’t, it’s definitely rude to snicker. Although, ya gotta admit, some of their names are downright silly.

Mi Casa, Su Casa

Now, remember that they’re nice enough to take you up into their ship, which they only reserve for the vast majority of Americans. It helps to remember that you’re in somebody’s home.

Don’t be pushing any buttons, and don’t be swinging on any levers. If you spill something, apologize and offer to clean it up. Smile politely when introduced to others, and don’t shake any three-fingered hands (they’re not big on arm-around-the-shoulder stuff or back slaps, which makes them rather like New Englanders).

Compliment their art work, provided you don’t make the big faux pas and accidentally compliment a piece of equipment. Think how uncomfortable you’d feel if you welcomed a visitor into your home and he got all excited by your sink nozzle.

Play along with their strange rituals. They’re nice enough to follow some of yours; you should follow some of theirs. Let them gather around you, let them shine lights at you, stick objects up your nostril, or slice bits of skin off you. They’re just being friendly, even if it is a little different. Believe me, it’s certainly no stranger than Greenwich Village, and think about how much time you’ve spent there!

And respect their traditions. When they drop you back at your place, and they usually are nice enough to give you a ride back to your own bed, simply repeat the gesture by pushing one into a chair and shoving a grape into his nose. It will be warmly appreciated by them.

But be down to earth, too: let them borrow a couple of CDs (anything by the B-52s, especially Good Stuff, which has a lot of inside jokes they love), maybe a video tape (funny hint: they even like to watch blank tapes!), or some earrings or a shirt or two. They’ll bring it back in the same condition they took it, and they’re quick to let you borrow some of their stuff, like time dilators, light cones (the Czar knows one guy who’s got a bunch!), or other trinkets, like those crazy toroid sporans they buy but never wear.

Ya’ll Come Back Now, Y’Hear?

You may be tempted to rush off to the press with your amazing tale, but remember how the popular media mucks everything up (remember Independence Day... no one wants to sit through another one of those). Just sit back and await their next visit, although you might want to tidy up a bit. They don’t eat lint, for goodness sake.

Make yourself accessible for follow-up visits. Leave your doors and windows unlocked at all times, and don’t stay up too late. Don’t get a satellite dish: the aliens frequently confuse them with radar dishes, and will be reluctant to park right out front.